Just Call Me Wonder Wendy...

Maybe I am from another planet like Superman.   Or maybe it’s from all those times I have been bitten by a baby.  Or maybe I just watched all the Look Who’s Talking movies one too many times.  But however I got it, it cannot be denied that I have a Super Power. 

It is truly uncanny.  I will be in the kitchen making dinner and Edward will be downstairs playing with the kids and I will hear Simba cry out and I’ll just yell “He wants his milk!” or “Prince, let him go!” and every time Edward comes upstairs and is like “how did you know??!!”

So like all my superhero idols I figure that I had better use my Super Power for good.  So today instead of some long winded yet wittily phrased rant that somehow involves poop, I will help you improve your baby-cry decoding skills to save you from spending hours playing the ‘wtf does this kid want’ guessing game.   You can thank me later.

Awww Shit, I pooped.  And damn, it is smelling bad!  You better get your ass over here and change my diaper lady.”





Come on lady – I can’t stick my lip out any further.  Would you just whip out a boobie already?”





“OMG – I totally asked for Brangelina as parents and you stuck me with these two?  WTF?”





Look lady, I didn’t mean to put my finger in the dog’s anus.  Ok, I did mean to, but don’t look at me like that – I got confused as to which end I was looking at – I just thought it was his mouth!  Anyways, I’m sure he’ll get over it eventually...





How dare you go to the bathroom and leave me alone in the playpen for a WHOLE MINUTE?  What is WRONG with you?  You could have gotten yourself flushed down the toilet and then where would I be?  Have you no shame?  Have you no cookies to make me feel better?

Now It is your turn.  See if you can figure out what the kid in this picture  is trying to say.  Leave a comment below or email us at escapefrommommyland@gmail.com.  Personally, I really don’t think you need a super power to figure this one out;)

-Wendy

Fairy Tales That Won’t Make You Twitch

Once upon a time I thought that fairy tales were amazing.  They taught morals and life lessons, provided some of the most enduring characters of all time and most importantly could be bought for cheap. Now, not only is it tough to find an original fairy tale at a book store, but the ones available have been so mutilated that they have officially landed the entire genre on my list of Kids Books that make me Twitch.

 The thing about real fairy tales is that they were written back when it was still considered ok to scare the crap out of kids.  But somewhere along the line people became a bit more squeamish about reading stories to their kids where people are eaten by a wolf (Little Red Riding Hood), lured to a cave to die (Pied Piper) or where an old man shows off his naughty bits (The Emperor’s New Clothes).  So somebody out there decided it was a good idea to re-write the classic fairy tales to be less violent, scary and pornographic.  Hence my frustration with fairy tales.

Don’t get me wrong, it is not the scariness or pornography that I miss in today’s re-writes.  I don’t want my kids learning that it is ok to beat someone up if they are mean to you like what happens in the original Three Billy Goats Gruff.  It is the just the way that the powers at be have gone about making the changes that bother me.  Instead of being eaten by the wolf, Little Red Riding Hood’s Grandma gives the wolf a good telling off and he leaves swearing that he will never try to eat a little girl again.  Instead of getting cooked in her own oven, the witch in Hansel and Gretel learns the importance of eating nutritious food.   Does anybody else see a problem with this?  I think we are sugar-coating things a bit too much for our kids.  If my kids meet a wolf in the woods I don’t want them trying to convince the wolf not to eat them.  I want them to run in the other freaking direction. I thought the original moral of Little Red Riding Hood was to teach kids not to talk to strangers (a.k.a. the wolf), rather than enter into persuasive arguments with them about the moral consequences of eating meat. 

If we are going to modernize fairy tales than we should be modernizing the entire fairy tale, not just the bits that make us squeamish.  Instead of Hansel and Gretel getting lost in the woods, they should get lost in the downtown of some major metropolis.  Instead of having some witch luring them away with candy it should be a celebrity luring them away with promises of fame and fortune and a new Nintendo DS.  After all, the celebrities are the ones with all the power nowadays and every kid knows candy will ruin your teeth and lead to childhood obesity.  And who needs breadcrumbs when they have a cell phone complete with GPS?  Once the kids learn that famous people are often crazy they will just send off a quick text to mom, she will track them using their cell phone's tracking device and be there to pick them up in 20 minutes.  This way, not only do kids learn not to talk to strangers, but they also learn that fame is not all it’s cracked up to be and Nintendo DS’s are highly overrated.

But then again, what do I know?  I am just a worn-out mom with a blog, who just finished cleaning out a potty full of poop and needed something to occupy her thoughts while doing so.  As an aside, if you didn’t already know, it is always good to distract yourself when cleaning up shit so that you don’t actually have to think about the fact that you are cleaning up shit.  Anyways, if there are any publishers reading this who are interested in my updated fairy tales, send me an email.  I won’t ask for much – currently I am working for free, so pretty much anything would be an improvement.  Then we all would live happily ever after because there would be that many more kid’s books that we could read without twitching.

-Wendy

Celebrities I Want to be Friends With

I have always loved celebrities.  Who doesn't?  Sometimes I get in the longest line at the grocery store just to have extra time to puruse the interesting, if often inaccurate, celebrity reading material. I have Perez Hilton on my favorites bar and do not watch Dancing with the Stars for the dancing.  That being said, out of the vast galaxy of stars, there are a few that I have come to believe, given the right circumstances, I could be great friends with.  So this past week, between all my cyber-celebrity stalking and catching up on my PVR'd episodes of Ellen I have managed to eke out the following list of celebrities I want to be friends with:

1.  Ellen DeGeneres – Laugh, Dance, Be my friend.  Please?  Unfortunately, I am pretty sure that, being one of the funniest women in the world, Ellen would only find my pitiful attempts at humour annoying and slightly pathetic. But being so nice, she would just pat me on the head, give me an ipod and thank me for playing.  Only when she learns of my mad skills at Mommy-mixing would she finally see why she had to be my friend.  As she got to know me she would learn that I am a loyal Covergirl, purchase her Halo pet products to give to stray animals, get pissed when my kids spill my Vitamin Water Zero and am a fellow writer who has read all of her books.  Finally, when she sees how much of her stuff I can promote in one paragraph she will have me on the show and announce to the world that Wendy has replaced Paris Hilton as Ellen’s new BFF.  

You have to admit there is a bit of a
resemblance.

2.  Katie Holmes – I swear that the reason I desperately want to be Katie’s friend is not because I was (ok, still am) obsessed with Dawson’s Creek.  It is because she is a fellow mom who is constantly taking heat from the media regarding her parenting skills.  Heck, if she ever read our blog she would know how screwed up the rest of us can be.  Next to me letting Prince poop in the park, Thumpers spouting swear words left and right and the fact that Simba is banned from eating in the house, Katie would look like a regular Mary Poppins.

My dream is that while browsing the internet Katie will come across our site.  After reading through our posts she realizes that Alice and I are exactly the kinds of mom friends she is looking for – the non-judging kind.  Before you know it we will have established an internet friendship and she is inviting us and our kids to Suri’s birthday bash.  While she will be a bit put off by Alice’s potty mouth and the fact that her husband looks exactly like Dawson Leery, she will bond with me over our shared love of fashion, Whole Foods and Joshua Jackson.  Then she will smile, tuck her hair behind her ear and we will live happily ever after.  At least until Suri starts swearing and pooping in the park.

A good friend
makes sure you wear
your undies.

3.  Britney Spears – No, my brain has not been permanently warped from changing too many dirty diapers.  I would sincerely like to be Brit’s buddy.  If there is anyone out there who needs a friend who is able to tell it like it is, it is this girl.  And ask Alice - I am not known for my subtlety.  If I was there when she was getting ready for a night on the town I would be the one to tell her “girl, you need to put on some damn underwear with that dress.”  Everyone needs a friend who can do them this service and I think it is obvious from her actions that Britney has not yet found one.  Well Brit, I am ready and willing to take on this role.  I always liked a challenge.   All I ask in return is some sympathy and advice when my boys reach puberty since yours will be going through that first.  Puberty is something I am dreading.  That line from Bridesmaids about cracking a blanket in half still haunts my dreams.   

While my list is not incredibly long it is only because I am very selective in the people I wish to befriend.  For example, while I adore Dennis Quaid for his Starbucks related hilarity, I think I would have to whap him upside the head if he constantly talked to me in the third person.  And while I am sure J. Lo is cool, I just couldn't be friends with the most beautiful women in the world - it would make me by comparison all the more dowdy. So Ellen, Katie and Brit - give me a call.  Or an email. Or a tweet.  Ah heck, just touch your earlobe the next time the paparazzi are doing their thing and I'll know what you mean. 

Your Friend,

-Wendy