Saturday, 30 April 2011

T.V. Is Slowly Going Crazy...1,2,3,4,5,6, Switch

What is it with all the crazy people on T.V?  Lately I can’t escape from Mommyland into T.V land without seeing somebody acting like an imbecile.  Don’t I already have to put up with enough of that from the employees at my cell phone provider, the baristas at Starbucks and the members of our government, without having to watch it on TV too?  From Wipeout to Survivor, Jersey Shore to the Real Housewives, Celebrity Apprentice to Dancing with the Stars (and let’s not even touch Two and a Half Men), I am pretty sure there are not any sane people left on T.V anymore – at least not in primetime.
When was it decided that crazy was in?  Was it after Britney lost her marbles and her baby daddy but got more attention than a house on fire?  Or was it a result of the writer’s strike in a Hollywood a few years back, when networks realized that sometimes reality is crazier than fiction, and hey, reality is cheaper?  I remember when I was a kid primetime TV consisted of family sitcoms like Full House, Growing Pains, Family Matters (“Did I do that???”) and the Cosby Show, and the only ‘reality’ show on was the News.   Now the only network primetime show that I could even think of watching with my kids is Dancing with the Stars, and they are only one wardrobe malfunction away from an R rating.
Let’s look at a few examples of the crazy people on TV right now:

‘Real’ Housewives:  First of all, I am amazed that they can get away with calling the people on this show ‘real.’  I am a REAL housewife - the kind who wears their pyjamas all day,  has perma-bags under her eyes, and who lies on the floor and lets their kids jump on them just so she has an excuse to lie down.   I know a lot of housewives, but none of them are former porn stars or bring bodyguards with guns to girls night.  Where do they find these people?  Ok, so watching this is probably more entertaining than watching me try to wrestle my one year old into a onesie, but could they not change the name?  I mean, it’s kind of false advertising to call these chicks ‘real’, in any sense of the word.  I think something like ‘The Effed Up Crazy Ladies of Wherever who have Way Too Much Time and Money on Their Hands’ would be more appropriate.  At least then I wouldn’t feel as if I was the one who, as a so-called housewife, am doing something wrong if I don’t start drinking at noon and get fake boobies.

Jersey Shore:  The fact that in Jersey they were able to find a girl with hair taller than she is and a guy named after his own abs pretty much explains why there needed to be a show made about this place.  Obviously there is a higher concentration of crazy there than on average.  But seriously, how long can you watch the same people drink, fight and swap bodily fluids?  You know what I would really like to see – A Jersey Shore reunion about 40 years from now (if the cast doesn’t die out from alcohol poisoning or venereal disease before then).   Couldn’t you just see it – The Jersey Shore Retirement Complex; Snooki threatening to attack some blue-haired old lady with her walker for switching her pain pills with laxatives?  Just please don’t let the show stay on the air long enough for us to see them make the transition to that.  Please.
Celebrity Apprentice:  While I admit that the original apprentice had some merit to the show, the celebrity version is just another grab at the crazy ratings.  People no longer watch to see people brandishing their awesome business skills, or even to see people crash, burn and be fired.  Instead people are totally tuning in to see what Gary Busey’s next weird acronym will be.  Honestly, since he’s been fired I haven’t watched it anymore.  Not enough crazy.
Survivor:  Again, this show originally started out reasonably sane.  Okay, so stranding yourself on a desert island and eating bugs for a chance at a million isn’t the most normal thing to do, but there was a purpose and it was an interesting social experiment.  Now that we are on season 476, it is beginning to get old.  So now they too are bringing in the crazy.  Has anyone seen this Phillip dude?  He has totally admitted that he is purposely trying to act crazy as part of his strategy.  This guy is smart.  He knows as long as he is playing the crazy card people will want to keep him around.  He knows people crave the crazy.  But I am still rooting for Boston Rob. 
Wipeout:  I don’t even know how they find the contestants for this show.  Is there an ad somewhere asking:  ‘Have you always dreamed of going on TV and acting like a douchbag?  Do you yearn to have the crap beat out of you by oversized machines?  Then apply for our show.’  I just don’t get it.  Not even for a million would I do that. 
Personally, I have had enough of the crazies.  If this trend doesn’t start to change soon I can tell you right now what the next hit show will be.  It will be called “Who’s not crazy?”  They will put some normal people in with the patients of a psyche ward and America will have to vote out the sane ones .  Then they will come out with the celebrity version with Charlie Sheen and Gary Busey.  That I might actually have to watch.  Could you imagine a conversation between those two? 
                Charlie:  “I got Tiger Blood man.”
                Gary:  “Me too – It stands for The Itchy Giant Erection Reoccurring Because Of Our Dykes.”
Hopefully, it will not come to that.  If any TV producers happen to be reading this, please, I beg you, bring back the good old family sitcom.  Even if it is only in reruns.  Because remember, you are what you watch and I for one am already too close to crazy.  I am still running on 4 hours sleep, and I am so desperate for companionship that I actually attempt to have rational conversations with a three and one year old each day.  Hey – maybe I could get my own show!  Nah – although the world is cravin’ the crazies right now, it still isn’t ready for that yet; I would probably make Kate Gosselin look sane. 


  1. We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

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