Now that we have the attention of all the men out there, we’d like to welcome you to a special father’s day edition of Escape from Mommyland. While we will not be giving out free beer (like our bank was this weekend) in honour of all you fertile fellas, we hope that you will read this post anyway.
To make up for all the years of ties and homemade ashtrays, this year, as our gift to you, we will reveal confidential tricks of the mommy-trade that will help you get out of the dog house and into a box of a different kind, if you catch my drift. While many of the tips we have are about making small changes, we will again reiterate that size does not matter, and often it is the smallest things that make the biggest impact. So grab a pen, take some notes, and tell your friends, because this stuff is golden.
1. Don’t complain to us about changing diapers – or anything else that, as the mother of your kid(s) we do 15 times every day without so much as a thank you. When you come to us bragging or moaning (it doesn’t matter which) about having changed one poopy diaper like you are the best thing since KY and deserve a freaking medal, you are just making us want to whoop you upside the head with the next poopy diaper that comes along.
Unless you give us a medal (or something else appropriately shiny) every time we do the same chore, we are not going to make a big deal over you doing it. Imagine that we came to you bragging that we went pee standing up. After you made sure we hadn’t grown a penis, wouldn’t your gut reaction be “So what? I do that every day”? So although it may be a big deal for you to have emptied a potty, done the laundry or let a child spit half-chewed food into your hand, by making a big deal about it you are just rubbing it in our face that we get no acknowledgement for doing the same thing. And even if your baby’s mama is as sweet as sugar when you tell her your ‘accomplishment’, deep down she is planning what to do that night in the time when you would have been getting busy.
2. Do something with the kids by yourself once a week. This is especially true if your baby’s mama is a SAHM. Not only is this great advice anyway because it will give you special time to bond with your kid(s), it will also give mama a chance to regain some of the sanity that she has lost during the course of the week. There are a few ground rules that you have to know for this to work though – whatever activity you decide to do with the kids should require you all to be out of the house for at least 2 hours, and you should not leave the house in a disgusting mess when you leave. And if you really want to get some bang for your buck, bring mom a treat when you come home (chocolate, coffee, flowers, whatever the mom in question prefers). Just don’t forget tip #1 – do not come home from said outing and complain to her about how hard it was to handle the kids by yourself. Work with me people.
3. Do stuff (i.e. chores) without being asked. When your baby’s mama wakes up to the attack of the fruit flies because you forgot to take out the garbage the night before she is not going to be happy. And if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. I know it can be frustrating to be nagged about doing chores, so why not do yourself and everybody else a favour and pre-empt the nagging by completing the chore before being asked to? When you do this it make us mom’s really happy because it shows that you respect our needs and, by extension, you respect us. And respect is damn sexy.
4. Listen. Again, easy in theory. But let me fill you in on a little secret. If you are on the computer, are watching t.v., texting, holding a newspaper or staring at her boobs you are NOT listening. Sure, you may think you are listening, but part of your mind is just waiting for her to shut-up so that you can get back to what you were doing before. Put everything down, shut off all electronic devices, make eye contact, nod and make appropriate noises (no, passage of gas, in any form, is NOT considered appropriate – ‘mmm-hmms’ and ‘ah-has’ only please). Who knows, you may actually learn something – and get a chance to touch those things you were staring at earlier.
5. Make time to be alone with each other – in a non-sexual way. When you have kids it is easy to lose touch as a couple. It is really hard to make time to just hang out and have fun. If you don’t make time for a ‘date night’ or whatever you want to call it, when you do get two seconds alone there is a lot of pressure to ‘do it,’ and pressure is sooo not sexy. But by spending quality time together doing other things it increases intimacy, which is very sexy. Yes, I know it sounds crazy but by spending time not having sex you will end up having more sex. Seriously.
To all the men who have read this, thank you, and you’re welcome in advance. To all the women who have read this, sorry for all the sexual innuendos; we were writing for a different audience today and we had to keep their attention somehow. And finally, just so I don’t get a thousand emails asking what bank I use, they were giving out beer of the root variety, which nonetheless impressed my husband.
Happy Father’s Day!
-Wendy & Alice