Wednesday, 31 August 2011

What I Did on My I-Land Vacation

Welcome to my I-Land
After six months of writing about escaping from Mommyland I finally did it.  Sort of.  I packed up my things and flew off to a semi-deserted I-Land (oops, I mean Island) of my very own.  Or at least that is what I like to imagine happened.  In reality, my husband had to bail on our family vacation at the last minute so I was faced with either taking our two kids on our already booked and paid for vacation alone or canceling the whole thing.  Or calling my mother in tears and begging her to take time off work and tag along on our vacation as our pseudo nanny/maid.  

 Needless to say, I choose option #3. 
Thankfully, my mother has not had a vacation in years and lives far enough away that she is desperate to see her grandchildren, so the thought of spending a week changing sand-filled diapers and cooking for four didn’t send her running in the other direction. This, combined with the fact that my in-laws live on the said semi-deserted island allowed me to spend a few precious afternoons and mornings away from Mommyland in my own personal I-land. 

Although I was only there for a short while, I must say it was heavenly.  I swam in the ocean, I tanned on the sand, took random photos, jogged, ate when I wanted, and didn’t wash a dish the entire time I was there (thanks Mom).   I have included some of my random photos here, not only for your enjoyment, but as evidence to prove to our inland-dwelling readers that a lakefront (no matter how Great) is NOT a beach. 

This is a REAL beach
This is something that has plagued me since moving inland – people keep saying to me that they are going to ‘the beach’ when the mean they are going to the lakefront.  A lake and an ocean are two very different things people.  A Great Lake, especially lake Ontario, to which the people I am talking about are usually referring, is not a lake or an ocean, just a cesspool of filth that only serves the purpose of looking pretty, holding up boats and giving ear infections to those stupid enough to venture into its waters.

That tiny dot in the centre  is my mom
A real beach on the other hand, should smell salty and kind of fishy.  It should have tide pools, weird seaweed and old crab shells that your kids can use to creep you out.  It should be deserted of most living creatures, except for flies which dwell there in surprising numbers, not crammed full of people and stuff for sale. It should be full of sand (not rocks) that will get into crevices you didn’t even know you had and make you wish you didn’t have them. And most importantly, the only thing you should catch from the water is seafood. (BTW, see if you can find my mom in the pic on the right - it really gives you perspective on how huge the beach was).

Simba's favourite cliff

Anyway, aside from a the occasional bug bite (which freaked Prince out to no end when I told him what it was) and trying to convince Simba that is was not a good idea to try cliff diving at his age, things went surprisingly smoothly.  I managed to read an entire book in two days (which I hadn’t done since post-babies) and I think some of my gray hairs actually turned back to brown.  So I am officially rested up and ready to take on another season in Mommyland.  Poopy diapers, temper tantrums, skinned knees… whatever, I say Bring.It.On.  Just not all at once, ok?  I-land vacations don’t come cheap and my mom is out of vacation time.  


Monday, 29 August 2011

The Pre-Post Post

This isn't my official post for the day but today is Wendy's birthday and she is off celebrating in her home province. Since I can't be there to peer-pressure her into doing shots after the kids are safely in bed, I had to send a virtual shout out to my partner in mommy-crime. So happy birthday to my wonderful, smart, beautiful, bossy-pants co-blogger!

Love always,

Your bestest blogger friend who is always late but lets your kids puke on her so she has permanent immunity.

(you know you love me)
Gossip Girl Alice

Friday, 26 August 2011

Toys My Kids Love That Are Actually Toys

After writing about the toys my kids love that aren’t actually toys, I figured I should write a post about the actual toys they love.  I figured it wouldn’t be good for our blog if people started giving kids size 9.5 stilettos as presents and then told the astonished parents that Escape From Mommyland recommended it.   Besides, despite their predilection to play with non-toys, there are definitely some awesome toys that my kids love and are more than willing to beat the crap out of each other to get their hands on.  One word of caution before we continue – if you do intend to purchase one of the following toys for a child you may want to consider buying one for each of their siblings as well, unless you are willing to take responsibility for the scraped knees, pulled out hair and bite marks that result.

1.  Ride on fisher price car – This is such an amazing toy that when my son got it for his birthday all the supposedly ‘grown up’ men spent a good hour playing with it.  Despite the fact that we have multiple other ride-on toys, this is the one that my boys are constantly fighting over.  Maybe it is because this ‘car’ has a trunk where they can store items ranging from old Cherrios to their favourite blankie.  Maybe it is the zillion buttons, gear shifts, or the wide variety of educational songs it plays that don’t make you want to permanently attach pillows to your ears.  Whatever the reason, this is officially the longest-surviving toy in our house.  It may look a little creepy now, what with half its smile ripped off, multiple scratches, dents and splotches of some mystery substance that defies any attempt at cleaning it off.  But in all honesty it doesn’t look any worse than I do in the morning, so I guess we can keep it around a little longer.

2.  Farm Tractor – This was one of those toys that I thought would hardly ever get used.  I just did not see what was so great about a farmer pulling some animals in a wagon.  But what do I know?  I only have two university degrees, years of parenting experience and a mildly popular blog.  Apparently, re-arranging the animals so that the pig drives the tractor and the farmer rides in the back is freaking hilarious to a 3 year old.  Add to that the fact that the tractor emits some vaguely animal sounding noises when you put the animals in the correct position and in kid-land you are WINNING. 

3.  Little People ABC Letter truck – You know your kids love a toy when it has a million different pieces and miraculously none of them go missing, are accidentally eaten or flushed down the toilet.  I have to say that even I have spent an enjoyable half an hour organizing the letters in alphabetical order and making the little man push them into the truck with his little cart.  But then my 1 year old woke up and I had to let him play with it. 

4.  Fisher Price Bubble Lawn Mower – Despite the fact that it is nearly impossible to make bubbles with this contraption, my kids still adore it.  It has the prestigious status of being the favourite outdoor toy of the summer.  My only complaint is that it doesn’t actually cut the grass, because if it did it would save us a ton of time on lawn maintenance.  
5.  Fisher Price Zoo – This toy has earned a spot on this list due to its versatility.  Not only does it occupy the 6 month old crowd, it can be used as an impromptu race track for the 2-4 age range.  For some reason, kids of all ages seem to be obsessed with putting random objects on the spinny section to see what will go around and what will get stuck.  During one playgroup session at our house all 6 kids were crowded around the thing starring in awe as if they had bet their life savings on which animal would fall over first.  In case you were wondering for your own mommy-gambling purposes, the giraffe usually kicks it first. 

I hoped you enjoyed this list of duplicate toys you can get my kids for Christmas my kids favourite toys.  I honestly was not aware that 3 out of 4 of them came from Fisher Price until after I had completed my list, so no, I am not getting any money from FP for promoting their products (but Fisher Price, if you are reading this and want to send me some cash I will gladly accept it).  Happy Shopping!

Wednesday, 24 August 2011

Toys My Kids Love That Aren’t Actually Toys

Why is it that when you shell out some serious cash for a toy it either ends up broken or ignored?  Yet when you stumble across an empty Coke bottle at the park your kids think it is the best thing since Sesame Street?  Then there are those times when they insist that your glass candle holders are not in fact candle holders but light sabres, and then proceed to smack each other with them.  Now, I am all for encouraging kid’s imaginations but I draw the line when my kid starts using my favourite necklace as Woody’s lasso.  Whatever the reason behind it, it cannot be denied that kids are able to make toys out of the most unlikely objects.  As you are about to see, sometimes this works in our favour and sometimes it doesn’t.  But it always makes for interesting post material.  So without further delay, here are my kid’s top five toys that aren’t actually toys:
1.  My Shoes –Despite (or maybe because of) the fact that my kids are boys, they love attempting to walk around in my high heels.  I really didn’t mind this at first – there is nothing cuter than a baby boy toddling around in pumps that match his outfit.  Then one night I needed my white satin pumps for a dinner party and ended up searching our backyard with a flashlight in my cocktail dress in order to find my missing shoe, which was half buried in our garden.   Now I have one beige satin pump and one white one.   Oh, the joys (and expenses) of having children.
2.  My Car – Thanks to America’s Funniest Videos for giving my husband the idea that letting our son sit in the driver’s seat of our SUV would be cute and funny.  It was, at first.  Until he accidentally called OnStar emergency when we were busy taking pictures, and then threw a titanic fit when we tried to pry his little fingers away from the steering wheel.  Needless to say, we now have a much more difficult time persuading him to sit in his car seat.
3.  My Purse/Wallet – While I admit that this was helpful when I was trying to keep our son quiet in church, it lost its appeal when he started giving away my money to the people sitting behind us.  Luckily, most people’s consciences don’t let them get away with stealing money from a baby in church so I did get my money back.  I was slightly more pissed when I was at the checkout at the grocery store and looked in my wallet to find that all the cards were missing and I had no cash.  That’s one more grocery store I am banned from.
4.  Garbage – No, I don’t let my children rifle through our trash.  But my son has this one toy car that has no wheels left on it that he absolutely adores and I refuse to classify it as a toy because it belongs in the garbage.  Maybe it is more fun to drive a car around the floor when it leaves a trail of scratch marks behind it.  I don’t know.  But one of these days I will pry it out of his hands when he is asleep and toss it in the trash and then celebrate by downing a bottle of wine while refinishing my floors.
5.  My Mixing Bowls – Who knew that a mixing bowl full of snow and some random utensils would provide hours of entertainment for the under 4 crowd?  This also works if you fill the bowls with the excess soap bubbles from your sink.  I swear I could open a kid’s play area where children would play with bubbles in the summer and snow in bowls in the winter and make a bundle.   Or at least enough to replace my now chipped and scratched mixing bowl set.
So what did we learn today?  Hide your favourite shoes, keep some extra cash in your bra and the next time you need some peace and quiet pull out your mixing bowls.  You’re welcome.

Friday, 19 August 2011

10 Things Every Mom Should ALWAYS Have in Her Car

You know why most moms are habitually late?  It is not because we sleep in or are spending excess amount of time fixing our hair.  We can usually even wrestle our children into clothes and get them into the car without too much fuss.  However, it is the ten million trips back and forth from the car to retrieve the forgotten sippy cups, extra diapers, blankies and snacks that slow us down.
In an attempt to save myself some time and unnecessary frustration, I have come up with a solution to save me running this house-to-car mommy marathon.   By keeping a stockpile of the following things in your car you won’t have to keep backing out and pulling into your driveway like a dumbass because you have to go back to collect this or that forgotten item.   Who knows?  You might actually make it to a play date on time for once (ahem, Alice)!
10. Wipes – I know this one seems obvious, but you wouldn’t believe the amount of times my children had to use my car’s upholstery as their own personal napkins because I didn’t have a wipe on hand.  And you don’t want to know what I had to use to wipe their asses with.  Sufficed to say, if you need a ride somewhere, ask Alice, because my passenger seat belt still smells.    
9.  Diapers – How many times have you had to rush home from somewhere or other because your kid had a shit and you didn’t have any clean diapers on you?  This is what the glove compartment is for ladies.  Let’s just decide here and now to rename it the diaper compartment and be done with it.  Just be careful not to hand the police officer a diaper the next time you get pulled over.  They may take that the wrong way.
8.  Random Toys – When you get stuck in traffic and your child is having a major meltdown, the best thing you can do for your sanity, not to mention the safety of other drivers on the road, is to pull out some random long-forgotten toy (you know you have a box of them in the basement) to make your child stop screaming long enough for you to get the hell off the highway.  Trust me, this is the one time you will actually be glad to see a Teletubbie.
7. Stroller – You never know when you might have to take a detour to the mall, park, or just have to park a long way away from your destination.  It is always better to have a stroller available then to have to somehow transport a toddler, a baby, a diaper bag, a tray of cupcakes and a breakable birthday present the two blocks from where you parked to the birthday party.  Believe me – carrying shit on your head is not as easy as it looks.
6. Extra clothes – I don’t know how they do it, but children always know when you want them to be clean and then do whatever it takes to get themselves dirty.  Whether you are on your way to church and they spit up in the car or they forget to use the potty and have an accident at the park, it is always best to have a change of clothes in the car for each child. On the other hand, it can be a bit of a bonus if they are dirty – other kids tend to think twice before pushing your kid down the slide when they are really sticky.
5.  Hand Sanitizer – Let’s face it, kids touch everything.  From toilets to other children, they seem to have radar that leads them to the most germ-filled items.  So do yourself and them a favour and sanitize them after play group, day care, or a trip to a public bathroom.  E. Coli is not your friend people.
4. Snacks and water – So the random toy got you off the freeway; now you are stuck at a red light and the kids are late for dinner.  Time to whip out that banana or cereal bar to prevent the all out I-am-going-to-die-if-you-don’t-feed-me-right-now meltdown that will no doubt take place shortly.  Trust me on this.  When you are driving home in a rainstorm and your driver’s side wiper flies off, what you don’t need is your child out-screaming Mariah Carey on the radio because he is hungry.  (Yes, this actually happened to me, and no, I don’t know why I seem to constantly have crazy shit occur in my life unless it is to provide humorous stories for y’all.)
3. Garbage Bags – What with all the snacks and diapers, your car will turn into one giant garbage bin on wheels if you don’t have another garbage receptacle handy.  Grocery bags will do, it doesn’t have to be fancy.  Just remember to actually remove the full garbage bags from your vehicle once in a while.  Same goes for the empty sippy cups – there is nothing worse than week old milk congealed in a sippy cup under your seat.  It kinda smells like puke in case you were wondering.
2. Kids DVD’s/Music – Best thing we ever got for the car was an in-car DVD system.  It is not built in – it just straps to the back of each of the front seats and plugs in the cigarette lighter.  Now I know some of you consider strapping your kids down in front of a TV screen for a three hour car ride akin to child abuse, and I can understand that.  But you are not allowed to judge me until you spend three hours alone on a highway with my children without the TV’s – that’s not just abuse, it’s torture.
1.  Sunscreen in Summer, Scraper (and gloves) in Winter – These are the number one items that moms have to re-enter the house in search of.  Putting sunscreen on children is like trying to shave a monkey – they don’t take well to the idea.  In my experience it is always best to do it when they are securely buckled in their car seats so they can’t run away and smear the half-rubbed in sunscreen you just put on them into your suede couch.   As for the scraper and gloves, if you have never had the pleasure of clearing off your windshield with the arm of your coat and your bare hands while braving the MINUS 30 degree temperatures in the Wal-Mart parking lot, then there is not much I can say to make you realize the craptasticness of this situation.  You will just have to take my word on this one.
No more excuses ladies.  The next time your playdate buddy is late, refer them to this post and/or get them a gift basket of the items mentioned here.  That and make sure to sign up for my new support group MAD ASS: Moms Against Driving Anyone Screaming Someplace

Wednesday, 17 August 2011

Things I Wish I Knew Before Choosing a Gym

Most people are aware of how much having a kid screws up your body. You get stretch marks, saggy boobs and cellulite, yet (thanks to the likes of celebrity moms such as Heidi Klum and Angelina Jolie) there is more pressure than ever for moms to morph into sexy mamas’ mere weeks after giving birth. So since I am a sucker for peer pressure, the first thing I did after giving birth (and getting the ok from my doctor) was to start checking out gyms.
Other than cost, the main things I was looking for in a gym were on-site babysitting and a good variety of fitness classes. The only reason I attend gyms at all is because of fitness classes – you will never find me running on the treadmill or doing circuits on machines, mainly due to a bad experience involving me flying of a treadmill, slamming into, and then getting stuck, in a weight machine and taking out about 5 other people in the process. If you haven’t figured it out yet, heavy machinery and I don’t get along well. Fitness classes, on the other hand, use my fear of looking like a fool in public to motivate me to work harder in the class so as not to be viewed by others as the weakling who can’t keep up. Even if that results in my throwing up in my mouth a little after doing too many crunches. So by using the three criteria of cost, babysitting and class variety I picked out a gym that I thought would be a good fit and signed my life away.
After being a member of said gym for a year now I have realized that there are some other important criteria that should have been taken into consideration when I was picking out a gym.
1. Class Descriptions: Obviously the gym I choose had many classes to choose from; the problems was that the class descriptions provided did not give sufficient information about said classes. For example, 5:45 - Latin Heat with Rhonda did not in any way prepare me for the shit-show of awesome-sauce that was this class. A more accurate description might be the following:
Intense Zumba Class, which involves Latin and Hip Hop dancing. DO NOT attempt if you have two left feet because you will cause injury to yourself and others. Please bring some water, a towel and your brain to this class cause it will fuck with your mind. Oh, and when the instructor yells out “How’s your box?” in the middle of class, she is only referring to a dance step, not your vagina. But when she yells out “How’s your bum?” she is actually referring to your ass.
Having such detailed class descriptions would have saved me attending some of the crappier classes like this one:
9:45 Body Works Plus Abs – Mind-numbingly boring toning class in which you do repetitive movements with weights until you fall into a fitness-induced coma. Warning: when you finally wake up, your ass will be killing you.
And I would have known to avoid the following class when I had a hangover:
10:00 Step Plus Abs – Advanced step class in which you feel as if you are trying to work out in fast-forward. Do not attempt to keep up with the instructor – it is not actual possible as she has super-human fitness powers. Do not attend this class if: you don’t want to feel like an uncoordinated loser, haven’t attended step classes regularly for at least a year, or you think that double step means taking the stairs two at a time. However, if you by some miracle manage to make it through an entire class, you will have lost 15lbs.
2. Complete list of Employees and Members with photos and descriptions: Ok, I know you are thinking that I am going overboard now but hear me out. The day of our gym tour we visited the babysitting area and there were about 5 adults watching 10 children and all of the adults were cute and lovable and seemed totally competent to watch my kids. Fast forward a few weeks to when we go to the kids club at a different time of day to find a major Judy-attitudy in charge of Kids Club all by her lonesome, complete with cracking gum and a phone permanently attached to her thumbs. Luckily, my kids seemed to have made her re-think her career options because she didn`t last long.
Then there are the other members to consider, a.k.a. the creepy old guys who gather near the entrance to leer at the ladies, the fitness freaks that are at the gym every time you attend and are so ripped you are scared to piss them off, and the cool, sane, regular people like my gym buddy Carrie who make going to the gym just a bit more enjoyable. If I had known in advance that the percentages at my gym were approx. 85%, 10% and 5% respectively, I think I would have just decided to stay fat.
3. Get EVERYTHING in Writing: Here comes my rant for the day. When we joined our current gym we were offered a deal where we would pay for one child to go to kids club and they would let the other child attend for free. We were also told that our membership would be good at all the different locations for this chain of gym. Yet when a new location opened up much closer to where we live, the new club would not honour our 2 for 1 kids club deal. And the kick in the balls was that our old club refused to do anything about it. Moral of the story, if a gym is trying to sweet talk you with special offers, make sure to get everything in writing. And apparently being fertile is a bad thing when you need a gym membership.
So next time you are scouting out a place to sweat, keep these tips in mind and you won’t get screwed over by LA Fitness (oops!). Personally, I may just stop having kids. It would be a hell of a lot cheaper.

Friday, 12 August 2011

Sexy Mamas

Back in the day, moms used to be right below cleaning toilets on the list of what was sexy.  What with the bad perms, aprons and dowdy clothes it was no wonder that the hot single secretaries got all the attention.  Yet nowadays a baby bump is the hottest accessory a girl could be sporting.  What is going on?  The supposedly “Most Beautiful Women” in the world is the mother of twins, cougars have their own town and people are wearing ‘Got MILF?’ T-shirts. 

It does a body good

Not that I am complaining.  I am ecstatic that being a mom doesn’t automatically put me out to pasture.   I love fashion, accessories and short skirts and I and am not nearly ready to retire my stilettos.  Most importantly, I don’t want my husband checking out his secretary.  My question is what happened between the 1950’s and now that has changed our perceptions of the sexuality of moms?
Now I am certainly not an expert on this subject by any means, but after giving it some consideration between changing dirty diapers today I have come up with a few theories of why men find mommy’s sexy:

1.  No penis will ever intimidate us.  After facing down forceps, speculums, and vacuums and surviving the passage of an entire human being through our vaginas, we will never again be intimidated by a penis.  Big, small, skinny, thick, we won’t flinch.  Unless it is trying to get us pregnant.  Then we may run in the other direction.

2.  Men like a challenge.  Compared to the youth of yesteryear, today’s young ladies are a bit more open minded about things like pre-marital sex, therefore making it less of a challenge for today’s men to get laid.  However, trying to find a mom who is in the mood for hanky panky is about as easy as finding a fish that wants to be caught.  It takes ten times the effort to catch a mom; hence, it is ten times as rewarding.

3.  Moms are so much hotter than they used to be.  Thanks to medical science and Dr. Oz, people (women in particular) are taking better care of themselves, living longer and looking better.  Whereas a forty year old person in the 1900’s probably would not have all their teeth, women today age much more gracefully and have better dental coverage.  Boob jobs, Botox, makeup and moisturizers all help to keep women looking younger longer. So since moms can now look just as good as the younger ladies, of course men would want to see what benefits experience can bring to the bedroom. 

So while we mom’s still have our days when the perma-ponytail’s and spit-up stained sweats render us unsexy, it is nice to know that if we want to we can still render the opposite sex helpless.  I guess that is one more mommy superpower to add to our list.

Thursday, 11 August 2011

Stuff You Don’t Need

While I admit that what first comes to mind when I read this title are things like more songs by Ke$ha, the return of stirrup pants, bills, movies starring monkeys, and menstrual cramps, that is not what I intend to write about in this post.  Specifically, I want to talk about all the baby-related crap that you buy when you are hopped up on the hormonal cocktail that is pregnancy and later regret, don’t use or end up trying to resell on Kijiji (which, BTW, does not work so well with Breast Pumps).

1.  Playpens:  People always say that it is ridiculous that you have to get a license to drive a car but any idiot can become a parent.  Well, if they ever do design a test to see if you are fit to parent, I think part of it should consist of setting up and re-packing a playpen.  If you can do this without crying, curling up in the fetal position and sucking your thumb, or throwing the whole freaking contraption out the window in an angry rage, then you will make a great parent.  
Aside from being the most frustrating contraptions in the world, playpens are completely unnecessary for YOU to buy.  I stress the ‘you’ part, because it is not the parents of the child that need to buy a playpen.  It is the people who want you to visit them who should fork out the bucks for this one.  You yourself will rarely, if ever, use the playpen in your own home.  Its main purpose is to be taken to other people’s houses, along with the 5 million diapers, bottles, toys, blankets, soothers, car seats, strollers, and other various paraphernalia that we are required to tote around everywhere we go.  So let grandma/grampa/auntie/hotel managers shoulder the cost and mental breakdowns associated with purchasing a playpen.   Then you can use the money you save to buy more wine, which you can share with whoever had the misfortune of having to put the playpen together.
2.  Diaper Genies:  To be honest, the only reason I bought a Diaper Genie is because Charlotte on Sex and the City said that it was necessary.  And in case you were wondering, it is never a good idea to make purchasing decisions based on the input of a fictional character.  At first I will admit that I was charmed by its baby-specific nature, but after wasting an entire ($8) refill pack because I could not find the end of the stupid bag, it lost its appeal. 
Not only is refilling it a pain in the you-know-what, but emptying it is too.  When you have a handful of poopy diaper and a screaming baby you don’t want to have to open up the damn thing, pull out a sack of crap, cut it off, tie it up, take it to the trash, and do the Hokey Pokey and turn yourself around, or whatever else you have to do to get the damn thing working again.  So ultimately you end up trying to shove the dirty diaper into an already full genie, resulting in poop smooching out the sides of the diaper and making another damn mess for you to clean.  Seriously, a grocery bag hanging on a doorknob works better and is a lot cheaper.
3.  Baby Monitors: They really need to put a warning on the boxes of baby monitors.  Based on the experience of a mom in my book club the warning should go something like this:  Caution:  extended use of this device could cause drowsiness, insomnia, and a strong resemblance to the zombies in Michael Jackson’s Thriller.  If symptoms persist, consult a sleep doula (yes, there are such things)who will solve your sleep issues by prying your baby monitor out of your twitching fingers and charging you $200 to do so.  We are not responsible for theft of our device by friends and family who are desperate for you to get more sleep. 
 Buying a fancy baby monitor is probably the biggest money waster for new parents.  You can get monitors with video surveillance, music, alarms and even pressure sensitive pads to let you know that your baby is still breathing.  But trust me, you don’t need any of it.  For the first few months, the baby will (most likely) be sleeping right next to you, or at least in the same room and you will hear every grunt, squirm and squawk that your baby makes.  Before you even get to the point where you are ready to move them to their own room, you will be so desperate for sleep that you will be turning up the air conditioning in December just to drown out their little noises.  The last thing you will want is something to amplify the noise they make at night.  As long as you are not deaf, you will be awakened when your child fusses, even if he/she is in another room – remember, this is one of those mom un-super powers I was talking about. 
So if any of you decide to buy these items against my good advice, I currently have some great (slightly used) baby crap available on Kijiji.  I swear the playpen suffered no serious damage from its trip through the window.   And I promise, I barely used that breast pump.

Friday, 5 August 2011

Mommy Un-Super Powers

No, my week of Not Good Things has not scrambled my brain.  You read it right – I am talking about UN-Super Powers today –powers that are not super; i.e. they did not result from some freak accident, alien abduction, or genetic mutation, yet are amazing all the same. I have come to realize that there are lots of so-called ‘powers’ that us mom’s use every day that might not be considered ‘super’ but have definitely saved the day many a time.  For example:
1.  Fun-o-vision – This is my term for the ability to see potential fun in seemingly boring things or situations.   When moms reach that point of no return, that IF-I-DON’T-GET-A- MINUTE -TO –MYSELF- I-AM- GOING-TO- TURN- INTO –THE- INCREDIBLE-HULK moment, it is amazing the things that they will come up with in order to occupy their kids.  How many times have you let your kids play with your car keys in order to save the eardrums of the other customers waiting in line at the grocery store?  Or let your kids use your pots as a drum set so they will let you cook dinner in (relative) peace?  The doctor’s office is most often the scene of some serious improvising.  I once entertained my then 10 month old for a good half an hour with a case of lipstick, and it did not involve making a mess!  Seriously, they should give out medals for this shit.  
2.  Selective Sight/Hearing –How often do you tune out the ear-splitting shrieks of your child while you are driving so that you don’t drive into the first brick wall you see on purpose?  How many times have you pretended not to see your child pick his nose or eat something of the floor just so you wouldn’t have to lecture them about it again?  The weirdest example of this is when you go on your computer or phone to email/text.  For some reason, if I have to text or type around my children, it takes all of my brain power to focus on writing coherently so I become completely detached from reality.  Usually it takes me getting hit upside the head with Thomas the Train before I realize that World War III just broke out in my living room while I was out in cyberspace.  What I don’t get is how I can somehow manage to tune out a war zone in order to write an email, but when I need to sleep a freaking pin drop will wake me up.  What can I say, I guess this power is a bit of a double edged sword; after all, ‘with great power, comes great responsibility’...
3.  Lying with Style – I’m not talking about little white lies that leave everyone feeling warm and fuzzy.  I am talking about getting seriously creative, like when I told my kids that their patience is in their belly button or that broccoli is Superman’s favourite food and eating it is what gives him his superpowers.  And not only can we lie with style, the kids actually believe us!  Sometimes I am so good that I start to believe myself.    Which can be kind of confusing, yet may explain my recent post in which I claim to have a Superpower. 
Unfortunately, our un-powers only work on our children.  The dentist didn’t buy it when I told him that the tooth fairy was going to pay for my recent dental work.  Oh well.  At least I had fun playing with the magic spit stick.  Ok, so maybe my brain is a little bit scrambled...
P.S – this post is dedicated to Bridget as she is the one who first recognized these un-super powers for what they are.  Plus, she is my personal Superhero.

Wednesday, 3 August 2011

It Might Not Be a Good Thing If...

My Dad has this saying.  If something really weird, outrageous or unexpected happens, like the time he accidentally stapled his friend’s hand to our porch while attempting to put up the Christmas lights, he will say “That is Not a Good Thing,” with appropriate facial expressions, sarcasm and understatement-of-the-year type attitude.  Well, this post is about all the “Not Good Things” that have happened to me since I have posted last.  Consider this our own version of Jeff Foxworthy’s famous “you might be a redneck if...” series.  So without further ado:
 It might Not Be a Good Thing if...
...the first words out of your three-year-olds mouth when you see him are “I didn’t do anything.”  At least it wasn’t good for me when Prince said this when he came into the kitchen yesterday.  My momstinct told me not to believe what my doe-eyed child was telling me, and upon entering the bathroom he had just vacated I found that he had knocked the bathroom door over (which was off the hinges for renovation purposes), hitting the sink and causing the sink to pull away from the pipes, resulting in a mini-flood in our bathroom.  
It might Not Be a Good Thing if... have to leave one of your children to amuse themselves while you are putting your other child in time out.  Because the former may decide to take a nose dive down the stairs while you are occupied and then, not only do you increase your risk of a heart attack by running to the bottom of the stairs to catch your child in mid-flight, but you are left wondering if you screwed up the time-out routine by saying “Prince you are in time out because ... OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!”  Supernanny, where are you when I need you? 
And finally, It might Not Be a Good Thing if...
...your child likes piggy-back rides.  Because when you go on a playdate and there is a cat present your child may try to ride it, causing internal damage and outrageous vet bills, which you feel it is your responsibility to pay since you never thought to explain to your child that cats are not for riding. Damn, that's another playgroup I am banned from.  
So, if you can’t tell, it has been one of those weeks.  Hopefully, someone out there is able to get a chuckle out of these events, because all I have gotten so far is an ulcer and some more gray hairs.  So send me your comments (or some Tums) and enjoy the rest of your week. 
Note:  No cats were injured in the writing of this post – while my child did attempt to sit on the cat, he was caught before he could do any damage.  The rest is simply my horrific imaginings of what would have occurred had I not had my coffee that morning.