Friday, 16 December 2011

Reindeer Poo

I never did understand the whole lump-of-coal-in-your-stocking thing.  Ok sure, you’ve been bad so you don’t get the ipod touch you requested, but why the coal?  Yes, back in the day it may have been a readily available substance that most parents had on hand on Christmas Eve, but now it is a hard to come by fossil fuel that is contributing to global warming.  Plus it just makes your socks all dirty and who needs more laundry anyway?  So I was really quite impressed last year when Santa (well, to be more exact, his reindeer) decided to start a new naughty trend.  Instead of coal in your sock, if you are naughty you get Reindeer Poo. 
Now don’t get your knickers in a knot – if you don’t know, Santa’s reindeer (because they are magic and live off a diet of fruit cake and candy canes) only poop out chocolate chips, which are completely sanitary and edible, so there is no waste, no laundry and no offensive smells. 
How do I know all this?  Well, aside from being a close personal friend of Mr. Claus, Edward was a bit naughty last year and ended up with some Reindeer Poo in his stocking.  We actually got quite a few unique gifts in our stockings last year – all of which came with their own note explaining their purpose.  I thought I would share these notes with all of you so you will be prepared in case you have been naughty this year.  Oh, and in case you didn’t know, as a magical creature, Santa always talks in rhyme.   Enjoy!
Author’s Note 1: This first note was found on the coffee table Christmas morning next to an empty plate of cookies we had left out for Santa:

Dear Cullens:
As you know, at the Pole it’s a family affair,
Mrs. Claus, elves and reindeer all really do care.
This year they have begged for a more active role
So I had to do something to keep peace at the Pole.

The task that I gave them at first seemed quite small -
To fill up the stockings- why that’s nothing at all!
But reindeer, they have very long memories;
I never dreamt they would take it so seriously.

Therefore a warning: this year things have changed,
When you open your stockings things won’t be the same.
It depends on the reindeer, if they like you it’s fine,
But beware if you slighted them even one time.
Good luck to you all and please don’t forget
That whatever you get, don’t blame St. Nick!

Signed St. Nick

Authors note 2:  Being slightly cryptic in nature, this note had us anxious to tear into our stockings to see what was going on.  Edward went first and found a bag of what appeared to be chocolate chips with a label of ‘Reindeer Poo’ on it, and the following note:
Us Reindeer, we have to fly very far
And without sustenance this is really quite hard.
So Next time remember, leave a carrot or two
Or else you will end up with more Reindeer Poo.

Signed Santa’s Reindeer

Author’s Note 3:  It was at this point that we realized that we had not left out any food for the reindeer – only cookies for Santa!  But the reindeer weren`t done with us yet -Edward also found what looked like a bag of mini-marshmallows tucked down in his stocking with a label of ‘Snowman Poo’ and this note:
Us Reindeer and Snowmen are really good friends;
We’ll stick with each other ‘till the very end.
When they heard of your actions (not leaving us food)
They couldn’t believe it – they all said ‘How Rude!’
So they sent you this present, from them straight to you:
A nice little bagful of their Snowman Poo!
Signed Santa’s Reindeer

Author’s Note 4:  I was now very wary to reach in my sock- what I found there sure gave me a big Christmas shock!  (Damn it, now I’m talking in rhyme!)  I wasn’t really that shocked – it was just a small jar of something that looked like spices, with a label of Reindeer food and this note:
You have now received your warnings - your excuses are all gone.
We know that you’ll do better for us reindeers’ from now on.
But we really want to help you to avoid more Reindeer Poo
So we give you this to spread around – it’s magic reindeer food.
On Christmas Eve just go outside and close your eyes right tight,
Make a wish and sprinkle this on to your lawn that night.
As Santa and us reindeer first begin our night long roam
This magic reindeer food will guide us straight down to your home.
And then your magic Christmas wish will certainly come true:
You’ll have successfully avoided getting dreaded Reindeer Poo!
Signed Santa’s Reindeer

Author’s Final Note: We received a few other interesting presents in our stockings that year – one was a can of beans labeled Male Bubble Bath and I got a secret hot chocolate recipe from Mrs. Claus herself(I had been very nice that year).  Personally, despite what Santa said in his note about the other people at the Pole wanting to contribute, I think the economy hit St. Nick hard that year and he simply was filling stockings with random items he found in his pantry and backyard.  Which is cool – I’m sure Santa has to stay on budget like everyone else.  Hopefully this information has helped prepare you for what has been another fiscally disappointing year for many.  And stay tuned – I will be posting the Bubble bath and Hot Chocolate notes next week! I hope Mrs. Claus doesn’t get pissed at me for sharing her secrets... Oh well, I could use some more ReindeerPpoo – I need something to put in my Christmas cookies!

Friday, 9 December 2011

New Wives’ Tales

Back in the day, before scientific studies cornered the market on partially true bullshit, it was the old wives who were responsible for warning all of us naive children about the dangers that faced us out in the real world.  You know what I’m talking about – if it wasn’t for those old wives many of us would have our faces permanently stuck with our eyes crossed, lips puckered, nose wrinkled and tongue stuck out from making too many faces at our annoying siblings.  I for one would like to thank all the old wives out there for saving me from blindness (if you don’t know what they say causes this, see below) and for helping me avoid the doctor via apple eating.  
However, as I inch nearer and nearer to reaching old wife status myself, I have realized that it is high time that us ‘new old wives’ come up with some tales of our own.  Because really, the main purpose of old wives tales are to stop children from doing things they’re not supposed to – like being rowdy in the house and breaking mirrors, swallowing gum and (as mentioned above) making faces.  And I for one am all for having some stories in my arsenal to use when my kids start texting at the table and dreaming about tattoos. 
Let’s face it – what with Google and iphones, the future generations aren’t going to be as easily persuaded by a warning that eating before swimming will cramp you up.  And unfortunately, it is no longer socially acceptable to simply scare the crap out of your offspring.  So us ‘new wives’ are going to have to be either be more creative, tricksy and super-awesome in order to pull one over on those tiny techies or, since the world is going to shit around us, we will sometimes simply be forced to tell the truth.  For instance, if you don’t wear sunscreen you will get skin cancer, don’t smoke cause it will kill you or at least keep you from competitive sports and don’t try to be famous when you are young or you will end up in rehab.
Personally, I think the answer to how to come up with our ‘new wives tales’ lies somewhere in the middle.  By creatively telling the truth we will most effectively be able to cram some sense into those tiny techie brains.  For example, I plan on coining the phrase ‘If you pierce something without permission it may fall off.’  This is partially true – it could possibly get infected and have to be amputated or turn gangrenous or something.  And it is certainly true that if I find out about said un-permissible piercing, appendages will roll. I also plan on telling my kids that it is bad luck to text during dinner.  This is totally true, because if I catch them they will have the bad luck to be grounded for the next week.
So while I will continue to inform my children that they must eat their carrots to improve their eyesight (although any idiot with google could tell you this is not true - vitamin A, which carrots contain, is good for eyes but eating more won’t help you avoid glasses -but will in fact turn you orange), I will throw in some of my own new wives’ tales for good measure to better address the needs of a new generation.  I encourage you to make up some tales of your own (whether you are an old wife or a new wife, or not a wife, it doesn’t matter).  I figure if you are going to have bullshit in your life, it might as well be your own.

Wives’ Tales Reference Guide:
Old Tales-Breaking a mirror will earn you seven years bad luck
-If you swallow your gum it will stay in your stomach for seven years
-It’s bad luck to open umbrella inside
-If you make faces, your face could get stuck that way. 
-Masturbation will cause blindness
-Carrots improve eyesight
-An apple a day keeps the doctor away

New Tales
-Too much cell phone use will give you brain tumors
-Bad luck to text during dinner
-If you pierce something without permission it will fall off
-If you don’t wear sunscreen you’ll get skin cancer
-Smoking will kill you or at least keep you from being a professional sports star
-Never Say Never (i.e. don’t give up at anything) and you too can be as successful as Justin Bieber

Friday, 2 December 2011

Mental Pictures

I hate taking pictures.  Not just because I am horrible at it, although it is true that any photo I take looks like it was taken by an intoxicated monkey.  I hate taking pictures because in order to take good pictures you have to be two things that I am not – lucky and patient.  Either you get lucky and just happen to have a camera handy when your little one decides to plant a wet one on the cat or you have to patiently wait around for two hours or two weeks until the urge to kiss a feline returns.  Since I would rather enjoy these moments than miss them because I am hiding behind (or trying to find) a camera, my photo albums are mostly empty.
However, being the typical mom that I am, I feel very guilty about this fact.  Sure, I personally have very vivid mental pictures in my head that I cherish, or in some cases wish I could forget, but my kids will not have these memories to pull out at their leisure in the future.  So I thought I would take this opportunity to describe some of the very memorable mental photos I have taken so far this holiday season so that my kids can enjoy them in the future and you can enjoy them right now - and so I don’t have to feel so damn guilty. 
In this first picture you will see a close-up of the face of a man wearing a blue tuque.  This man was standing behind us at last week’s Santa Claus Parade and, just as I slid a poopy diaper out from under Simba’s bespeckled bum, I happened to look up to get a whiff of fresh air and caught a glimpse of this man’s face.  Mr. Blue Tuque was recoiling slightly as if he had been physically hit with Simba’s poop instead of just by its smell while his eyebrows attempted to find refuge in his touque.  I don’t know if his reaction was because this was Simba’s third poopy diaper of the day, or if it was because I had the audacity to change said diaper in a stroller on the side of the road while surrounded by a couple thousand people.  Who knows – maybe the Coca-Cola polar bears that were passing by on the float behind my head were doing something really shocking.  Hey, it’s possible.  But whatever provoked it, his look of astonished disgust made me realize what a superhero I am for being able to deal with these diaper disasters on a regular basis - and that some people really shouldn’t wear tuques. 
The second mental photo I am sharing with you shows a quiet street lit by lampposts in the evening, as seen from above.  This is how I saw our street as I attempted to string Christmas lights on the tree in our front yard.  Though the picture would probably be more accurate if you shook it side to side while looking at it, because that is how I viewed the street while clinging to the tree trunk in a desperate attempt not to get blown out of said tree.  Apparently, the higher off the ground you get, the windier it becomes.  I wish someone would have told me that before I climbed up to the top most step of our ladder (the step it says not to stand on btw) and stretched out to my fullest extent to secure some lights to a branch just a huge gust of wind came barrelling down the street, knocking me off balance and causing me to wrap myself around the tree in a very tigger-like fashion as my ladder plummeted to the ground.  This is when Prince, who was watching me from the safety of the front porch yelled out “Mommy, don’t break the ladder!”  His concern for me was so touching that I will always remember this moment, and the fact that you should never step on the top of a ladder.
The background of our final mental snapshot is filled with boxes of Christmas decorations, while in the foreground Simba is being pursued by a Santa doll riding on a cookie.  This doll was a gift from my parents last Christmas and is simply one of those annoying Christmas toys that sing and dance around.  However, from the look on his face, Simba has got St. Nick confused with Old Nick because he is running away from that thing as fast as his chubby little legs can carry him.   Now anytime he hears jingle bells he starts to cry.  But on the bright side he no longer eats cookies. 
So what have we learned in Mommyland today?  One:  there is a reason that you are not supposed to stand on the top of a ladder.  Two:  musical dancing Santa dolls are not a good gift idea for children under 2.  And three:  some people should not wear tuques.  See?  Who needs intoxicated monkey photos when you have mental pics like these!
Happy Holidays!