Friday, 16 December 2011

Reindeer Poo

I never did understand the whole lump-of-coal-in-your-stocking thing.  Ok sure, you’ve been bad so you don’t get the ipod touch you requested, but why the coal?  Yes, back in the day it may have been a readily available substance that most parents had on hand on Christmas Eve, but now it is a hard to come by fossil fuel that is contributing to global warming.  Plus it just makes your socks all dirty and who needs more laundry anyway?  So I was really quite impressed last year when Santa (well, to be more exact, his reindeer) decided to start a new naughty trend.  Instead of coal in your sock, if you are naughty you get Reindeer Poo. 
Now don’t get your knickers in a knot – if you don’t know, Santa’s reindeer (because they are magic and live off a diet of fruit cake and candy canes) only poop out chocolate chips, which are completely sanitary and edible, so there is no waste, no laundry and no offensive smells. 
How do I know all this?  Well, aside from being a close personal friend of Mr. Claus, Edward was a bit naughty last year and ended up with some Reindeer Poo in his stocking.  We actually got quite a few unique gifts in our stockings last year – all of which came with their own note explaining their purpose.  I thought I would share these notes with all of you so you will be prepared in case you have been naughty this year.  Oh, and in case you didn’t know, as a magical creature, Santa always talks in rhyme.   Enjoy!
Author’s Note 1: This first note was found on the coffee table Christmas morning next to an empty plate of cookies we had left out for Santa:

Dear Cullens:
As you know, at the Pole it’s a family affair,
Mrs. Claus, elves and reindeer all really do care.
This year they have begged for a more active role
So I had to do something to keep peace at the Pole.

The task that I gave them at first seemed quite small -
To fill up the stockings- why that’s nothing at all!
But reindeer, they have very long memories;
I never dreamt they would take it so seriously.

Therefore a warning: this year things have changed,
When you open your stockings things won’t be the same.
It depends on the reindeer, if they like you it’s fine,
But beware if you slighted them even one time.
Good luck to you all and please don’t forget
That whatever you get, don’t blame St. Nick!

Signed St. Nick

Authors note 2:  Being slightly cryptic in nature, this note had us anxious to tear into our stockings to see what was going on.  Edward went first and found a bag of what appeared to be chocolate chips with a label of ‘Reindeer Poo’ on it, and the following note:
Us Reindeer, we have to fly very far
And without sustenance this is really quite hard.
So Next time remember, leave a carrot or two
Or else you will end up with more Reindeer Poo.

Signed Santa’s Reindeer

Author’s Note 3:  It was at this point that we realized that we had not left out any food for the reindeer – only cookies for Santa!  But the reindeer weren`t done with us yet -Edward also found what looked like a bag of mini-marshmallows tucked down in his stocking with a label of ‘Snowman Poo’ and this note:
Us Reindeer and Snowmen are really good friends;
We’ll stick with each other ‘till the very end.
When they heard of your actions (not leaving us food)
They couldn’t believe it – they all said ‘How Rude!’
So they sent you this present, from them straight to you:
A nice little bagful of their Snowman Poo!
Signed Santa’s Reindeer

Author’s Note 4:  I was now very wary to reach in my sock- what I found there sure gave me a big Christmas shock!  (Damn it, now I’m talking in rhyme!)  I wasn’t really that shocked – it was just a small jar of something that looked like spices, with a label of Reindeer food and this note:
You have now received your warnings - your excuses are all gone.
We know that you’ll do better for us reindeers’ from now on.
But we really want to help you to avoid more Reindeer Poo
So we give you this to spread around – it’s magic reindeer food.
On Christmas Eve just go outside and close your eyes right tight,
Make a wish and sprinkle this on to your lawn that night.
As Santa and us reindeer first begin our night long roam
This magic reindeer food will guide us straight down to your home.
And then your magic Christmas wish will certainly come true:
You’ll have successfully avoided getting dreaded Reindeer Poo!
Signed Santa’s Reindeer

Author’s Final Note: We received a few other interesting presents in our stockings that year – one was a can of beans labeled Male Bubble Bath and I got a secret hot chocolate recipe from Mrs. Claus herself(I had been very nice that year).  Personally, despite what Santa said in his note about the other people at the Pole wanting to contribute, I think the economy hit St. Nick hard that year and he simply was filling stockings with random items he found in his pantry and backyard.  Which is cool – I’m sure Santa has to stay on budget like everyone else.  Hopefully this information has helped prepare you for what has been another fiscally disappointing year for many.  And stay tuned – I will be posting the Bubble bath and Hot Chocolate notes next week! I hope Mrs. Claus doesn’t get pissed at me for sharing her secrets... Oh well, I could use some more ReindeerPpoo – I need something to put in my Christmas cookies!

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