Saturday, 18 February 2012

Officially Banned

I probably should have seen it coming.  What with getting banned from Boston Pizza, Tim Horton’s, and the Park, it should have been no surprise when I got banned from Neverland*.  Ok, so it’s not like I will be arrested at the border if I try to sneak back to visit, but due to circumstances beyond my control Edward, myself and the boys have been forced to leave Neverland, most likely for good.  
For once, however, my children’s copious amounts of poop and/or my own big mouth had nothing to do with us getting banned.  But being banned has been the reason for my prolonged absence from the blogosphere, for which I apologize.   But now that the boxes have been unpacked and the kids are firmly ensconced at grandma’s I have time to take a breath, nurse my moving- related bruises (that ironically resemble a map of Neverland), and reflect on some of the differences between Neverland and the Real World where I now find myself:
1.  There is a much higher percentage of crazy people in Neverland.
Fortune-obsessed pirates, jealous beauty-crazed mermaids and all the other party-loving natives make for an interesting social scene in Neverland.   And while this certainly made for some interesting blog posts, it also created a very competitive, cut-throat, hold-on-to-your-family-jewels type of atmosphere.  Which probably explains why I kept getting banned from places.  And which also probably explains why everyone there drives like they are in the Indy 500.  So my first week back in the Real World was quite a shock what with the Friendly-to-the-Point-of-Almost-Creepy strangers and the motorists who will literally stop traffic if a pedestrian so much as glances at the street – regardless of the fact that there’s no crosswalk anywhere in the vicinity.  However, I have recently discovered that the Real World has its own special brand of crazy people who, while not as rampant as those found in Neverland, are just as annoying.  Particularly, the Sunday Driver, which is found in abundance in the Real World, mainly due to the increased number of elderly people present, who insist of driving at least 20km/hour under the speed limit while gawking about and braking for no apparent reason at random intervals.  Oh well, you win some, you lose some.  At least I don’t have to wear an eye patch anymore. 
2.  The weather in the Real World sucks.
Since I have returned from Neverland I think I have seen the sun for a total of ten minutes.  And for some reason during the few moments the sun does deign to shine I am always driving uphill directly into said blazing inferno and am temporarily forced to squint, swear, randomly brake for no reason and peek through my fingers while driving 20km/hour under the speed limit in order to ensure I don’t hit one of the crazy pedestrians who jump out in front of you and expect you to lay on your brakes yet avoid being rear-ended at the same time.  During the other 1430 minutes in the day it is so damn foggy that you don’t have to worry about hitting anything with your car – the fog makes a nice soft barrier between you and whatever you run into.  What with this, and all the friendly people it’s kind of like driving around in Care-a-lot. 
3.  There is a distinct lack of Mommies. Maybe the fog creates a barrier that is stronger than any condom, or maybe it just makes everyone here too damn depressed to have sex, but as of yet I have not met any mommy-friends in the Real World.  Yes, I have amazing friends here who I missed dearly while I was away, but none have yet experienced the pleasure that is procreation.  All of which is leaving a big Alice-sized hole in my life.  Now I have no one to commiserate with after spending 3 hours sleep training my child.  My friends don’t understand why I get so excited when my child eats turnip (or rutabagas as those of you in Neverland call it).  So Alice, before Mommybrain renders me forgetful I require your advice on the following subjects:
 a)  When I find Simba asleep in the hallway at 4am do I move him and risk waking him up or do I let sleeping boys lie?
 b)  When asked ‘Can you say (Insert word of your choice here)?’, instead of repeating said word, my child will simply say “Yes.”  Is this a purposeful attempt to drive me crazy or is my child just too damn smart?
c)  Is it normal for a two-year-old to shit 15 times a day or should I be worried?
These are just a few of the topics I miss discussing with you – others include discussing what Thumper won’t eat this week, whose husband is more helpless and why breasts are annoying.  My point is, while I may have left Neverland I am now, and always will be, your neighbour in Mommyland.  So don’t think just because I am now residing in a different time zone that you have heard your last poop story from Wendy.  You are however off the hook from babysitting, which given our track record is probably a good thing.
Don’t worry - unlike my namesake, leaving Neverland and heading home will not be the end of our story.  It’s just one of the unexpected twists that will make it all the more interesting.
*In case you are new to our blog or have not yet visited our Dictionary or About us page, Neverland is our pseudonym for the major Canadian metropolis that I moved to not quite 2 years ago, met Alice in and have been living in until last month when I got officially banned.

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