I have always loved celebrities. Who doesn't? Sometimes I get in the longest line at the grocery store just to have extra time to puruse the interesting, if often inaccurate, celebrity reading material. I have Perez Hilton on my favorites bar and do not watch Dancing with the Stars for the dancing. That being said, out of the vast galaxy of stars, there are a few that I have come to believe, given the right circumstances, I could be great friends with. So this past week, between all my cyber-celebrity stalking and catching up on my PVR'd episodes of Ellen I have managed to eke out the following list of celebrities I want to be friends with:
1. Ellen DeGeneres – Laugh, Dance, Be my friend. Please? Unfortunately, I am pretty sure that, being one of the funniest women in the world, Ellen would only find my pitiful attempts at humour annoying and slightly pathetic. But being so nice, she would just pat me on the head, give me an ipod and thank me for playing. Only when she learns of my mad skills at Mommy-mixing would she finally see why she had to be my friend. As she got to know me she would learn that I am a loyal Covergirl, purchase her Halo pet products to give to stray animals, get pissed when my kids spill my Vitamin Water Zero and am a fellow writer who has read all of her books. Finally, when she sees how much of her stuff I can promote in one paragraph she will have me on the show and announce to the world that Wendy has replaced Paris Hilton as Ellen’s new BFF.
2. Katie Holmes – I swear that the reason I desperately want to be Katie’s friend is not because I was (ok, still am) obsessed with Dawson’s Creek. It is because she is a fellow mom who is constantly taking heat from the media regarding her parenting skills. Heck, if she ever read our blog she would know how screwed up the rest of us can be. Next to me letting Prince poop in the park, Thumpers spouting swear words left and right and the fact that Simba is banned from eating in the house, Katie would look like a regular Mary Poppins.
My dream is that while browsing the internet Katie will come across our site. After reading through our posts she realizes that Alice and I are exactly the kinds of mom friends she is looking for – the non-judging kind. Before you know it we will have established an internet friendship and she is inviting us and our kids to Suri’s birthday bash. While she will be a bit put off by Alice’s potty mouth and the fact that her husband looks exactly like Dawson Leery, she will bond with me over our shared love of fashion, Whole Foods and Joshua Jackson. Then she will smile, tuck her hair behind her ear and we will live happily ever after. At least until Suri starts swearing and pooping in the park.
3. Britney Spears – No, my brain has not been permanently warped from changing too many dirty diapers. I would sincerely like to be Brit’s buddy. If there is anyone out there who needs a friend who is able to tell it like it is, it is this girl. And ask Alice - I am not known for my subtlety. If I was there when she was getting ready for a night on the town I would be the one to tell her “girl, you need to put on some damn underwear with that dress.” Everyone needs a friend who can do them this service and I think it is obvious from her actions that Britney has not yet found one. Well Brit, I am ready and willing to take on this role. I always liked a challenge. All I ask in return is some sympathy and advice when my boys reach puberty since yours will be going through that first. Puberty is something I am dreading. That line from Bridesmaids about cracking a blanket in half still haunts my dreams.
While my list is not incredibly long it is only because I am very selective in the people I wish to befriend. For example, while I adore Dennis Quaid for his Starbucks related hilarity, I think I would have to whap him upside the head if he constantly talked to me in the third person. And while I am sure J. Lo is cool, I just couldn't be friends with the most beautiful women in the world - it would make me by comparison all the more dowdy. So Ellen, Katie and Brit - give me a call. Or an email. Or a tweet. Ah heck, just touch your earlobe the next time the paparazzi are doing their thing and I'll know what you mean.