Saturday, 2 July 2011

Oh Canada!

Yesterday Canada celebrated its 144th birthday.  Fireworks went off, beer flowed like Niagara Falls and most Canadian citizens woke up this morning with hangovers the size of the Rocky Mountains.  
Last night as I watched people wander the streets in red and white wigs singing our national anthem I realized just how little outsiders knew about us Canucks.  We are not defined by beavers, maple syrup and igloos as many Canadian gift shops would have you believe.  I am tired of seeing Canadians being portrayed on SNL as Plaid-wearing, too-nice-for-their-own good eh-sayers.  Today I am going to take you beyond the stereotypes on my myth-busting mission to help the world understand the real awesome-sauce that is Canada.

We're hot and we're cold
First off, I do not, have not and never will live in an igloo.  Although it does sound tempting right now, what with the 40 degree temperatures lately (that’s about 100 Fahrenheit for you Americans).   In fact, 75% of Canadians live within 100 miles of the U.S. border, which is not in fact some invisible barrier at which the temperature drops drastically.  Believe it or not, it was actually warmer in my city today than it was in Orlando, Florida.   We do have some crazy-ass winters though; but how would people get time off in the winter if we didn’t have snow days?
Secondly, we do not say ‘aboot’ or have any other kind of ridiculous accents.  Except for the people in Newfoundland.  The people in Newfoundland speak in their own unique dialect that nobody else in the country really understands.  Personally, I think it is about time that the rest of the country started learning Newfunese.  It would make for much more interesting posts on my part if I started using it – in fact, I may give it a try right now: 
Owshegettinonb'ys? I looks like a streel today – me ‘air’s all mops and buckets!  And I’s blowed up like a blood posion cat ta boot – soon peoples be tinkin der’s sometin under me pinny! 
Ok, maybe it isn’t the best language to post in after all.
Personally though, I love Newfies; ain’t no other people who can drink that much or who make up Christmas songs about Santa getting his ‘log’ lit on fire (Don't believe me?  Check out Why Santa Goes Ho Ho Ho).  However, if you ever get asked if you want to be ‘screeched in’, trust me, just say no.  But if you ever get the chance to visit Newfoundland, just say yes, because it is one of the most kick-ass places in the world.   
Yes, Canadians love their
Tim Hortons this much
Now I want to talk to you about something that is very important to Canadians, but that they don’t mention anything about in the tourist videos.  Tim Hortons.   If you are Canadian and are caught frequenting any other coffee shop, it is considered treason and you could be arrested. Ok, maybe not arrested, but at least pelted with death-stares from your fellow Canadians for choosing some whipped tall frappy mocha whatchamacallit over a double-double.  There is really no excuse to go somewhere else for coffee – after all, there is a Tim Horton’s on every corner.
The one myth that isn’t false about Canadians is that we are so damn nice.  For the most part, that is true.  While you may encounter the occasional asshole, for the most part people are polite and friendly.  On occasion you may even meet a nice guy with a pickup truck who will offer to deliver the oversized kiddie-pool, that you are stupidly attempting to stuff into your tiny car (thank you dude, I owe you one)!  Oh, and I don’t know what the fuck Katy Perry and the Beach Boys keep going on about California girls for  - Canadian girls make California girls look like the Barbie dolls they are any day of the week.  No California girl could shovel four feet of snow out of your driveway and still look chic in a toque.  
Finally, our beer rocks.  ‘Nough said.
So happy birthday Canada, you don’t look a year over 140.  To all you gift shop owners out there, it is time we swapped out all those stuffed beavers, maple syrup jars and igloos for some Tim Horton’s coffee, beer, and some Newfounese-English dictionaries.  Whether you need a great chick to shovel your driveway or just some free healthcare, Canada is the place to be.

My name is Wendy, and I Am Canadian

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