Friday, 8 July 2011

Things I Wish I Knew Not To Do at McDonalds

Or at any other restaurant for that matter.  It just so happened that all of the following disasters learning opportunities happened at McDonalds.  I really don’t understand how this is possible – I only go there about twice a year; yet somehow, whether it is something in the food or because I am overwhelmed by memories of a childhood spent frequenting their now non-existent spinny chairs (they should sooo bring those back), I am not sure.  But there is definitely something about that place that turns off my momstinct.
So here goes – Things I wish I knew (beforehand) NOT to do at McDonald’s:
1.  Let Edward take Prince to the bathroom.  What is wrong with men?  A three-year old boy can NOT use a urinal.  If you attempt to make them do so, they will pee all over themselves (and hopefully you, and maybe then you will learn your damn lesson).   Their penises are just too small.  I know you men hate to admit that your penises were ever small (or that your son’s ever could be), but just suck it up and sit them down to pee.   This is not ‘girly’ – it is necessary.
I will admit that this time it was not completely Edward’s fault that Prince turned himself into a human potty.  I blame the dumb-ass who decided they only needed one stall in the men’s washroom.  Ok, I get that you can all pee standing up, but I’d like to see you crap that way.  And it just so happened that the one stall at McDonald’s was occupied for just such a purpose.  I really can’t blame Edward for not wanting to stand there and listen to some random dude drop a deuce, so I can see why the urinal seemed like the best option at the time.  But when he brought back a crying and extremely unsanitary child to the table to finish his chicken nuggets I will admit that I was not so understanding. 
2.  Let the kids play with the happy meal toys while we’re eating. It seemed so harmless at the time.  Let the kids play with the toys to keep them quiet so I could finish my dinner in peace.  How could I possibly foresee that Prince would shoot the dart from his Mr. Freeze toy across the room where it would wack some old guy in the head and then fall into his milkshake?  I am not psychic you know.  And who knew, after the urinal incident, that this boy had such good aim?  But when Prince asked me loudly to “go get it mommy!” I still figured it was best to make a hasty departure, even though it really wasn’t my fault.
3.  Let the kids stand up on their chairs.   Or the table.  Or anything else that would allow them to reach the fire alarm.  Because guess what?  They will pull it.  Thankfully, it was my friend’s child and not mine who taught me this important lesson.  But the end result was the same:  a hasty exit amid much nervous laughter and a few crossed-armed employees giving out death stares like nobody’s business.  Where are those free smiles when you need them? 
So the next time that you are at McDonald’s and see a mom in a crazy situation, (a) refer her to this post and (b) know that it is not me as I am officially boycotting McDonald’s.  At least until they bring back the spinny chairs. 

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