Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Take a walk in my slippers

It’s no wonder I am getting stupider.  If you have been paying any kind of attention to our posts lately you will have notice that mine have been sorely lacking.  Yes, I may blame that on the fact that I was traumatized over the possibility that my blog partner had died in a freak helicopter accident in Hawaii (more on this later), but I think the real reason is because I am becoming gradually stupider.  How is that possible?  Let me explain.
As I remember it, a typical day in my life prior to having children went something like this: Wake up at 7:30 am.  Shower, put on makeup, dress, style my hair and otherwise ensure that I don’t traumatize the people on the bus who will be forced to stare at me for the 45 minute bus ride to work.  I would arrive at a place of employment that actually compensated me with money for educating children (yes, I was a teacher).  I would stand at the front of the room, talk without being interrupted, hand out tests and assignments and catch up on the school gossip with the other teachers during lunch hour.  Repeat for the afternoon, go home, feed myself, maybe grade some papers, relax and go to bed.   
Here is what I did today:  Woke up at 5:30am by Prince coming into our bedroom announcing that there was a scary shadow in his room.  I dragged my sleepy ass out of bed to take him back to his room while explaining, as I have every night for the past three weeks that said scary shadow is in fact just the shadow of his curtain.  I fall back in bed like the sleep deprived zombie that I am just to wake up again at 7:30am to Simba’s shrill screams, which in SimbaSpeak means he has a poopy diaper that needs to be changed.  So I get up, clean some poop and make some breakfast for my two hungry children.  If I am lucky, in between demands for yogurt, more milk and paper towel I will manage to have a few bites of a week old muffin and take a few swigs of lukewarm tea while trying to simultaneously empty the dishwasher, fulfill the requests mentioned previously and clean up the food that seems to fly out of my children’s mouths as fast as they can shove it in.  Note:  I have not yet showered, gone to the bathroom or brushed my teeth yet. 
I am then forced to pretend to be Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer and fly Santa’s (Prince’s) sleigh around while the elf (Simba) drops toys down the chimneys.  In between stops I manage to get the kids dressed and brush all our teeth.  Then it is time to play ‘the baby game’ where Prince pretends to be a baby, Simba is the Daddy and I am (surprise!) the Mommy and have to take everyone on a pretend train ride to the zoo and walk in circles around our living room visiting all the pretend animals.  Then it is time to make more food for snack time, clean up the kitchen again and wipe more poopy bums.  Then we all sit down to watch Caillou, and because Caillou visited a farm and saw a pig in today’s episode we all have to pretend to be pigs rolling around in the mud.  Then it’s lunch time so, you guessed it, make food, eat some food (if I’m able to sit still for more than 2 seconds), and clean up the kitchen for the 3rd time.
After lunch while Simba naps, me and Prince color some pictures, read some stories and unpack some boxes that still haven’t been unpacked since we moved to this house 5 months ago.  When Simba wakes up, after cleaning some more poop it is snack time again – if you are keeping track this will be the 4th time I will have to scrub down the kitchen so far.  Then we go down in the basement and race cars (yes I am forced to drive a little kiddie car too), play trains, pretend to be a Prince (Prince) and Princess (me) who gets locked in a tower and needs to be rescued.  Oh, and of course we had to do some obligatory ring-around-the-rosie.  Then, you guessed it, make food, serve food, clean up food for dinner bringing the grand total of kitchen cleanings of the day to five, yet somehow it still seems dirty. 
Then, thank goodness, daddy comes home and after eating, gives the kids a bath allowing me to veg out in front of the TV for 20 minutes.  Then I put the kids to bed and sit down at the computer to write about cleaning poop and making food while Prince interrupts me every 5 minutes by yelling downstairs to ask when I am going to come check on him.  If you have been paying attention you know that, at this point I am still wearing my pajamas.  Hey, it saves on laundry but I do feel sorry for the poor the door-to-door salesman that rings my bell during the day.  If I am lucky, I will have time for a quick shower before falling into bed sometime around midnight.
So what was my point again?  Oh yeah, this is making me stupider.  I am not sure how much longer I can continue to pretend to be an ostracized reindeer without losing the remnants of my sanity.  And, when three days after my blog partner leaves for her Hawaiian Honeymoon there are reports of a honeymooning couple from our city being killed in a fiery helicopter crash on the same island my friend was destined for, I admit that I lost my shit altogether for a little while.  But luckily, Alice was fine and there is less than a month until Christmas, at which point I can legal refuse to be a reindeer any more as Santa and his crew will then be on vacation. 
So please excuse my shitty posts lately – it is my hope that by getting out of the house more and not allowing Alice to take any more vacations I will be able to retain the few brain cells I have left, rub them together and, at some point in the near future produce a post that is worthy of our fantastic Mommyland readers.  Until then, let me apologize for the drivel that is all my poor reindeer brain is able to produce at the moment.  
Ok, time to give me back my slippers now cause my hoofs are getting cold.
P.S – My job may turn my brain to mush but getting paid in hugs and kisses is the best.  Plus Prince does a pretty great Santa impression.  And Simba is an incredibly cute elf. Call me stupid but I love my job!

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