Welcome back to Mommyland’s first, only, and best advice column! After demystifying your cleaning conundrums I thought, considering the events of the past week (i.e. Alice’s marriage and Kim Kardashian’s lack thereof), I would let you in on the secrets behind my years of wedded bliss.
It’s simple really. You need to have lots of sex. Not the kind where you are pretending to enjoy yourself so he can finish up in time for you to catch the end of Grey’s Anatomy. The other kind. The kind where you look like you just finished the world’s hardest spinning class, complete with matted down hair and jelly legs. Leg warmers and headbands are optional. Oh, and I guess I should make sure to point out that said sex should with your spouse. That’s pretty much it.
What’s that you say? How does this advice help if my husband is a lazy sloth who can’t manage to get his own underwear into the hamper? Well, I’m glad you asked. While sex is great all on its own, for your marriage last longer than Kimmy’s, you need to know how to use it properly. To give you an idea of how sex can be used to solve common marital woes, read on:
Your husband doesn’t help out around the house? Welcome to the club! Husband training is an important first step that begins right after the honeymoon and continues for the rest of your life. The key? Positive reinforcement. In many ways, husbands are just like toddlers. If you give them a little incentive for doing the right thing, they catch on in the end. Soon you won’t even have to ask them to take out the trash – they will be running upstairs proudly proclaiming they took out the garbage, expecting their reward. Then you say “Thank you Honey” give them a kiss and ask them to clean the bathroom.
Your husband wants sex all the time? Big surprise. I have heard this story time and time again. The man is constantly pestering his woman to get busy when his woman is already busy. How do you stop this vicious cycle? Reverse it. I’m serious! For one week, give him what he has been begging for. Every day, sometimes twice or more, dress up in your finest lingerie and get to work. I promise you, by the end of the fourth day he will be the one saying “I’m kinda tired,” “I have a headache,” or, even better, “let’s just cuddle.”
3. Your kids are driving you both bonkers? It happens to everyone. Despite the fact that you love those little rug-rats more than life itself, sometimes the shrieking, thumping, smashing and screeching combined with the constant barrage of questions, demands and total lack of courtesy can turn supermom (or dad) into Oscar the Grouch. When this happens, it is time to send for the babysitter and have some adult time where you can be reminded that you are a woman and not just a mother. Just don’t forget to use protection, because that is kind of how you got into this mess in the first place.
Yes, I know. I am a marital super-genius and with my help divorce will now be eradicated. Just remember: ‘If he’s pushy, there’s no pussy;' ‘Have some class – not in the ass;' and ‘When things are stormy, just get horny.’