Is your man unable to find something that is right in front of him without your help? Is he so prone to distraction that it is affecting his aim in the bathroom? Has he developed an allergy to housework? If so, he may be suffering from Helpless Husband Syndrome (HHS).
My husband Edward has an extreme case of HHS. Once upon a time he was a normal, self-sufficient young man who was able to feed himself and make his bed. But as the wedding ring went on and the kids popped out, his ability to do seemingly simple things slipped away. Keys began disappearing. He lost the ability to wash dishes. And the weirdest thing of all – his clothes suddenly refused to go into the laundry basket! While I am sure that there are many of you who can relate to these common symptoms of HHS, you will soon see why I think my husband is a cut above.
Just a few weeks ago, when switching over the laundry, I encountered what at the time appeared to be either a slimy black alien carcass complete with oozing goo, or a hairless dead rodent. However, after I finished hysterically screaming and washing my hands with laundry detergent, I was able to inspect it a bit further and I realized that it was actually a rotten banana. For those of you who have not had the pleasure of finding a washed rotten banana in your washer, let me assure you that it is only marginally better than finding the unwashed variety. Turns out, Edward had put his man-purse in the wash because he thought it had a funny smell. Apparently, bananas are really good at hiding ‘cause he claims he searched the bag before putting it in the wash. This was either a genius move to get banned from doing laundry or the worst case of HHS on record.
While there are probably not too many other husbands who prefer to wash their fruit in the laundry, there are many other examples of his behaviour that may be a bit more familiar to all you wives out there. My husband has always needed some help in the fashion department. From the beginning of our relationship I would take him shopping and help him pick out clothes. I wrongfully assumed that he would eventually catch on and be able to dress himself. In reality, my actions have apparently just made him think that he does not require any fashion sense because I have enough for both of us. Now, anytime my husband attempts to dress himself, or the kids, they all end up looking like cast-offs from the circus. Correction – pantless cast-offs from the circus.
For all of you who are trying to determine whether or not your man has the beginnings of HHS, the classic example is, of course, not waking up when the kids start screaming more than Macauly Caulkin in Home Alone at three in the morning. And while this is certainly the case with Edward as well, he (as always) likes to take things to the extreme. As you should know by now, recently Prince went through a phase where he would get up 3 or 4 or 15 times throughout the night and wake everyone up. After about 12 days of sleepless nights I gave up and went to sleep in the basement, where our son would not find me, and left Eddie to handle the night time festivities. In the morning what did I find? Not only had my husband been oblivious to the screaming and stomping, he was also unaware of the fact that Prince had climbed into bed with him and stayed there THE WHOLE NIGHT. And I know for a fact that Prince hops around in bed more than a Starbucks- addicted kangaroo. Apparently there is an upside to being blissfully ignorant – you sleep like the dead.
There is currently no cure for HHS. The only tested techniques for reversing HHS were discovered by Kate Gosselin and include a barrage of ceaseless nagging and constant complaining. However, in her case, while the techniques got rid of HHS, it also got rid of the husband. So for now we have resigned ourselves to a life filled with empty toilet paper rolls and half-completed swing sets. On the upside, it will never be boring. On the downside, I have now developed an aversion to bananas.