Funniest Things YOUR Kids Can't Say

This is it.  We finally have incontrovertible proof that our kids are not the only ones whose speech is harder to interpret than Nicki Minaj’s lyrics.  So thank you for proving that we are not in fact incompetent mothers due to our kid’s lack of verbal prowess.  Now if you could only make us feel better about our kids eating and sleeping habits we would be able to seriously cut back on our wine consumption. 

But seriously, we always love hearing from our readers -you all have more entertaining stories than Perez Hilton.  And apparently many of you are potty mouths like our Alice because about 50% of the Funniest Things Your Kids Can’t Say have to do with swear words.  Yet, while I admit that reading about a toddler who insists that he ‘fucks’ his thumb is cute, it may not bring in the kind of audience we are looking for, so we tried to pick some of the less Risk-ay versions of the Funniest Things Your Kids Can’t say to share with you here.

So without further ado, here is the grand finale of our Funniest Things Trilogy: 

The Funniest Things YOUR Kids Can’t Say:

Alphabet – R.J from PE writes “Isn’t it bad enough that Elmo is now found everywhere from socks to lunch boxes? According to my son he now has a permanent place in the alphabet as well: A-B-C-D-E-F-G, H-I-J-K- ELMO-N-P.  Oh, well, it could be worse.  As long as Big Bird doesn’t start showing up where he doesn’t belong we will be ok.”  

Delicioso – S.W from BC writes “I don’t think Dora is doing a very good job of teaching kids Spanish.  For months I wondered what my daughter meant when she yelled out ‘Baby Wuffalo!” at dinnertime.   I finally realized what she was actually saying when she was watching Dora and yelled out “Baby Wuffalo” after Dora said ‘Delicioso’.  Not the same thing.  Not even close.”  

Accent – M.W from ON writes “I think my daughter must have lived in the southern United States in a past life.  Despite being born and raised in Canada, when she gets really worked up everything she says comes out in a southern accent.  For example, if her younger sister tries to take her toys she will grab the toy in question and yell out “Don’t evah tuch it” (Translation: don’t ever touch it).  I really hope she grows out of it soon – I really don’t want a teenage Scarlett O’Hara on my hands” 

Lady Ga Ga Lyrics – J.T from CA, USA writes “My daughter loves to sing and is always singing along to the radio.  Yet for some reason she always screws up on Lady Ga Ga’s Poker Face.  Instead of saying “Can’t read my Poker Face” she will say ‘ca-ree-ba Poke Her Face.’ Apparently this song is more violent than I realized.”  

Watch Out  –  L.B from NS writes “Let this be a lesson – if you don’t know what your child is saying, just duck.  When on vacation recently I was souvenir shopping at a little craft store with my young son.  We were walking through the store holding hands and I was pointing out various items to him when he started pulling my arm and yelling “Wha-ta, Wha-ta!”  I had no idea what he was saying until I took a few more steps and walked straight into a display of wind chimes that were hanging from the ceiling. After spending 10 minutes untangling myself from 6 different sets of wind chimes I will be happy  if I never hear another damn chime again.  And if anyone yells “Wha-ta” I will be on the floor faster than you can say ‘Watch Out.”  

Seat  - M.C from TX, USA writes:  “One day my son got so frustrated with me.  He kept asking for a “seeet” and I couldn’t figure out what he was requesting.  I tried asking if he meant a sheet, something to eat, you name it, I tried it.  But every guess just made him yell ‘NO” lounder, until finally he got fed up with me and screamed ‘No, something to SIT on!”  Next time I will ask for a definition up front and save us both the frustration.”   

Thanks again to everyone who contributed.  Damn, it is nice to write about the stupid stuff that other people’s kids do for once.  So despite the fact that this trilogy is over, feel free to write in anytime to escapefrommommyland@gmail.com with your crazy kid comments, if for no other reason than to stop us thinking that we are the only ones out there with kids who get stuck in the toilet and insist on shoving peas in their nostrils.  But maybe it would be best if you kept the thumb-fucking stories to yourself.

-Wendy & Alice