Spending the past three weeks with my young and hip (non-mom) friends made me realize that I am not as young or hip as I would like to think I am. Don’t get me wrong, I still think of myself as fairly young and somewhat hip – I have been keeping up with the Kardashians after all – but I think we can all agree that the fact that I am slightly obsessed with the Backstreet Boys and can still remember the last time that leg warmers were in fashion puts me out of the running for trendsetter of the year.
Anyway, due to the success of my “It Might Not be a Good Thing If...” feature, I thought I would good to elaborate on our Jeff Foxworthy-inspired theme and share with you some of the signs that you have officially reached “Mother” status. You don’t have to have experienced all of the moments listed here to know you are a mom but if you burst out laughing at any point or yell out “I have totally done that!” you either are a mom or you should be, cause you obviously get it. So put on your leg warmers ladies and read on because...
You Might be a Mom if...
1. You Never Drive at Night Anymore. While I was home on vacation and actually had a babysitter and a reason for leaving the house after 7pm, I realized that I hadn’t driven in the dark in months. Unfortunately, I realized this because when I got in the car at midnight to drive home, the only glasses I had with me were sunglasses, which is all I need when I drive since I am basically on house arrest after the kids are in bed. And to make matters worse, I had my dad’s old car that has manual headlights, which I didn’t realize until I was halfway home – see, being young doesn’t always work in your favour – why the f*ck did they ever make cars without automatic lights anyway? Sure, you hear people say that they could drive home with their eyes shut all the time, but try driving home: In the dark. At midnight. Wearing sunglasses. With no headlights. Let’s just say it was a total mom-moment. Unfortunately, the cops didn’t buy that as an excuse. Thank goodness I know a really good (and cute) lawyer.
2. You Can NOT Understand how Someone Could NOT Find Your Kids Cute. It starts when they are little – you take your baby to the grocery store and random strangers stop you to rave about how cute your kids are until you expect that when you go anywhere. Three and a half years and another child later you still expect strangers to fall at your feet exclaiming you have the most beautiful children on earth. So when I went out for Pedi’s with Bridget while I was home and had to bring the kids with me due to a lack of babysitters, I figured that the other people in the salon could only benefit from basking in the glow that is my children’s presence. Seventy-five dollars and an hour and a half later Bridget says to me on the way to the car that she hopes us having the kids their didn’t ruin the experience for a bride who was sitting next to us getting her nails done. WHAT???!! Insert screechy record noises here cause this comment stopped me in my tracks. How could my kids possibly have ruined anything for anyone? I thought they had done so well – there was no temper tantrums, crying fits, knocked over display cases, hair pulling, punching or kicking – this was a good outing! Ok, so there was that time when Simba started doing his high-pitched screaming thing that sounds like a kettle whistling. Oh, and Prince did have a few time outs. And I guess that big shit Simba had didn’t really add to the aromatherapy aspect of the spa visit. Apparently I have become immune to how annoying my children can actually be. Which is probably a good thing considering I have to live with them 24/7.
3. You are Prepared for Anything. As I mentioned in my last post, one of the major events of my vacation was the wedding of my friend Dory. Her wedding was amazing – she had beautiful weather, gorgeous bridesmaids (I was oneJ), and fantastic food. I walked away from her wedding with so many great ideas on how to make a wedding spectacular – including making sure that you have a mom in your wedding party. Why? Because no matter what you need at any given time, a mom will have it. Starving during your wedding rehearsal? A mom will have emergency snacks in her purse (btw, you’re welcome for the raisins Dory). Bobby pin falling out of your updo on the big day? A mom will snatch one from the head of your maid of honour and fix that rouge curl (sorry about that Bridget, and again, you’re welcome Dory). Need wet wipes to touch up smeared mascara? No? Well, if you did, your mom friend would have them on her (I totally did). Point is, if you have random stuff shoved in your purse ‘just in case’ then you are probably a mom. Or one of those people from that Hoarders show.
These are just a few of the ways that you can determine if you are a mom. The easiest way of course is to simply look down and see if you have a human being clinging to your leg, as I do for most of my day. But spit-up stains, bags under your eyes and an odour of sour milk are also all good indicators. And of course, an empty wallet, but that can be a sign of many other things as well – like getting married (or being a bridesmaid for that matter). Anyway, stay tuned for future instalments of You Might be a Mom if... I know I can’t wait to hear Alice’s take on things.
Oh, and you should probably take your leg warmers off now. I may not be hip but I still have enough fashion sense to know that those things should NOT be worn in public.