Friday, 7 October 2011

Wendy’s Wisdom: On Messes...

I don’t know why, but for some reason people seem to want my advice.  Maybe it is because they now know I have superpowers.  Maybe it is because Gwyneth Paltrow (a.k.a. Megamommy) won’t answer their emails.  Or maybe they just really like Peter Pan.  But whatever the reason, I feel like it is my duty as a dedicated blogger to answer the queries that are sent my way to the best of my abilities. 
As I have written so often about the messes I have been forced to clean up, I thought I would dedicate this first instalment of Wendy’s Wisdom to Messes – the mortal enemy of Mommies everywhere.  That being said, I have taken the liberty of makeing up some fictional queries so as to better demonstrate how I would solve some common household conundroms.  Again, let me state that all characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living, dead, or somwhere in between is purely coincidental.  I swear people, I have not been spying on you through your computer. So, without further ado:

 Tattoed in Toledo writes: “My 2 year old somehow managed to get his hands on a pen and drew all over his face and scalp.  Shampooing hasn’t helped and I don’t want to use anything stronger on his head.  What should I do?”
Wendy’s Wisdom:  Have him wear a hat.  Then connect the dots on his face and give him a beard.  He will be the most popular kid in his kindergarten.
Tie-dyed in Toronto writes:  “My 6 month old is the messiest eater ever!  Bibs are no help – he still ends up with food down his shirt, on his pants and even smooched in his socks.  What is the best way to get the stains out of his clothes?”
Wendy’s Wisdom:  Try Scissors.
A Patron of the Arts in Pitzburg writes:  “My daughter just went all Picasso on our new beige faux suede coach!  Help!”
Wendy’s Wisdom:  Flip over the cushions.  Then call your grandma and see if she can lend you her plastic couch cover.  Tacky? Totally.  Necessary?  Hell ya.
Mrs. Clean in Kelowna writes:  “I don’t know why kids prefer to color on the walls, and I also don’t know how to get rid of the mess!  What would you do Wendy?”
Wendy’s Wisdom:  Paint.  Or just make your kid keep coloring until he has covered the entire wall.  Whatever’s easier.
Lactose Intolerant in Louisiana writes: “My daughter spilled chocolate milk all over our white carpet!  How do I get rid of the stain?”
Wendy’s Wisdom:  Rearrange your furniture or buy a mat.   Or train your dog to lay there when company visits.   Or if you don’t have a dog, douse the rest of the carpet with chocolate milk till it matches, though the funky smell may tip off your guests.

Yes, I know, my housekeeping skills constantly amaze me too.  As the specific questions sent in did not allow me to divulge all of my housekeeping wisdom, I thought, in closing, I would share these golden nuggets so you can all have a house as clean as mine:  “Poop always comes out in the (2nd or 3rd) wash,” “You’re never too old for a bib,” and “When in doubt, throw it out.” 

You’re Welcome.


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