You Might Be a Mom If...

Spending the past three weeks with my young and hip (non-mom) friends made me realize that I am not as young or hip as I would like to think I am.  Don’t get me wrong, I still think of myself as fairly young and somewhat hip – I have been keeping up with the Kardashians after all – but I think we can all agree that the fact that I am slightly obsessed with the Backstreet Boys and can still remember the last time that leg warmers were in fashion puts me out of the running for trendsetter of the year.

Anyway, due to the success of my “It Might Not be a Good Thing If...” feature, I thought I would good to elaborate on our Jeff Foxworthy-inspired theme and share with you some of the signs that you have officially reached “Mother” status.  You don’t have to have experienced all of the moments listed here to know you are a mom but if you burst out laughing at any point or yell out “I have totally done that!” you either are a mom or you should be, cause you obviously get it.  So put on your leg warmers ladies and read on because...

You Might be a Mom if...

1.  You Never Drive at Night Anymore.  While I was home on vacation and actually had a babysitter and a reason for leaving the house after 7pm, I realized that I hadn’t driven in the dark in months.  Unfortunately, I realized this because when I got in the car at midnight to drive home, the only glasses I had with me were sunglasses, which is all I need when I drive since I am basically on house arrest after the kids are in bed. And to make matters worse, I had my dad’s old car that has manual headlights, which I didn’t realize until I was halfway home – see, being young doesn’t always work in your favour –  why the f*ck did they ever make cars without automatic lights anyway?  Sure, you hear people say that they could drive home with their eyes shut all the time, but try driving home:  In the dark.  At midnight.  Wearing sunglasses.  With no headlights.  Let’s just say it was a total mom-moment.  Unfortunately, the cops didn’t buy that as an excuse.   Thank goodness I know a really good (and cute) lawyer.

2.  You Can NOT Understand how Someone Could NOT Find Your Kids Cute.  It starts when they are little – you take your baby to the grocery store and random strangers stop you to rave about how cute your kids are until you expect that when you go anywhere.  Three and a half years and another child later you still expect strangers to fall at your feet exclaiming you have the most beautiful children on earth.  So when I went out for Pedi’s with Bridget while I was home and had to bring the kids with me due to a lack of babysitters, I figured that the other people in the salon could only benefit from basking in the glow that is my children’s presence.  Seventy-five dollars and an hour and a half later Bridget says to me on the way to the car that she hopes us having the kids their didn’t ruin the experience for a bride who was sitting next to us getting her nails done.  WHAT???!!  Insert screechy record noises here cause this comment stopped me in my tracks.  How could my kids possibly have ruined anything for anyone?  I thought they had done so well – there was no temper tantrums, crying fits, knocked over display cases, hair pulling, punching or kicking – this was a good outing!  Ok, so there was that time when Simba started doing his high-pitched screaming thing that sounds like a kettle whistling.  Oh, and Prince did have a few time outs.  And I guess that big shit Simba had didn’t really add to the aromatherapy aspect of the spa visit.  Apparently I have become immune to how annoying my children can actually be.   Which is probably a good thing considering I have to live with them 24/7.

3.  You are Prepared for Anything.   As I mentioned in my last post, one of the major events of my vacation was the wedding of my friend Dory.  Her wedding was amazing – she had beautiful weather, gorgeous bridesmaids (I was oneJ), and fantastic food.  I walked away from her wedding with so many great ideas on how to make a wedding spectacular – including making sure that you have a mom in your wedding party.  Why?  Because no matter what you need at any given time, a mom will have it.  Starving during your wedding rehearsal?  A mom will have emergency snacks in her purse (btw, you’re welcome for the raisins Dory).  Bobby pin falling out of your updo on the big day?  A mom will snatch one from the head of your maid of honour and fix that rouge curl (sorry about that Bridget, and again, you’re welcome Dory).  Need wet wipes to touch up smeared mascara? No? Well, if you did, your mom friend would have them on her (I totally did).  Point is, if you have random stuff shoved in your purse ‘just in case’ then you are probably a mom.  Or one of those people from that Hoarders show.

These are just a few of the ways that you can determine if you are a mom.  The easiest way of course is to simply look down and see if you have a human being clinging to your leg, as I do for most of my day.   But spit-up stains, bags under your eyes and an odour of sour milk are also all good indicators.  And of course, an empty wallet, but that can be a sign of many other things as well – like getting married (or being a bridesmaid for that matter).  Anyway, stay tuned for future instalments of You Might be a Mom if... I know I can’t wait to hear Alice’s take on things.

Oh, and you should probably take your leg warmers off now.  I may not be hip but I still have enough fashion sense to know that those things should NOT be worn in public.

-Wendy

Home for a Rest

It’s official – I am in desperate need of a vacation from my vacation.  Can it even be called a vacation if you were busier during your vacation then you are normally?  Ok, so it was a shit-load of fun too, but that doesn’t mean I am not exhausted now.  That being said, I have decided to fill you in on my amazingly-awesome, super-fantastic vaca in true Mommyland fashion – with a vacation Mommy-mix. 

If you missed out on our previous Mommy-mix, it involves taking a song and re-writing the lyrics to better reflect reality as it is in Mommyland.  So in this case I took the classic Canadian drinking song “Home for a Rest” and changed the lyrics to describe my vacation.  In this case, I have left the chorus the same, because it already described my vacation perfectly, which is why I chose this song.  If you are not familiar with this song make sure to check out the video first before reading my new lyrics so you can experience the joy of having this tune permanently etched in your brain (as I have for the past 3 days while writing this). 

“You’ll have to excuse me, I’m not at my best.  I’ve been gone for 3 weeks, I’ve been drunk since I left. These so-called vacations will soon be my death, I’m so sick from the drink I need home for a rest.”

We arrived at the airport and Prince puked up in
The aisle of the plane, this is how we begin.
We drove to the Island the very next day,
Thank God Prince didn’t puke the rest of the way.

“You’ll have to excuse me, I’m not at my best.  I’ve been gone for a week, I’ve been drunk since I left. And these so-called vacations will soon be my death; I’m so sick from the drink, I need home for a rest. Take me home!”

On the Island it wasn’t so bad,
Aside from the bugs and the bad cold I had.
But my Dad brought some Rum and it cleared up my head
And I managed to sleep, despite Prince in my bed.

“You’ll have to excuse me, I’m not at my best.  I’ve been gone for a week, I’ve been drunk since I left. And these so-called vacations will soon be my death; I’m so sick from the drink, I need home for a rest. Take me home!”

Back in Hali we had so much to do,
Bachelorettes, birthday dinners, riding Theadore Too,
Spent my days at the lake, but when the sun went down,
Every night we went out for some drinks on the town.

“You’ll have to excuse me, I’m not at my best.  I’ve been gone for 3 weeks, I’ve been drunk since I left. And these so-called vacations will soon be my death; I’m so sick from the drink, I need home for a rest. Take me home!”

As a grand finale, Dory tied the knot
Her wedding was great but we all drank alot
So I’m back at home with a hangover now
And I have to look after my two boys somehow*

“You’ll have to excuse me, I’m not at my best.  I’ve been gone for 3 weeks, I’ve been drunk since I left. And these so-called vacations will soon be my death; I’m so sick from the drink, I need home for a rest. Take me home!”

-Wendy

*Disclaimer:  These song lyrics may have been embellished slightly for humorous (and rhyming) effect.  Please do not base any judgements on my parenting (or drinking) abilities based on this post.  

Funniest Things YOUR Kids Can't Say

This is it.  We finally have incontrovertible proof that our kids are not the only ones whose speech is harder to interpret than Nicki Minaj’s lyrics.  So thank you for proving that we are not in fact incompetent mothers due to our kid’s lack of verbal prowess.  Now if you could only make us feel better about our kids eating and sleeping habits we would be able to seriously cut back on our wine consumption. 

But seriously, we always love hearing from our readers -you all have more entertaining stories than Perez Hilton.  And apparently many of you are potty mouths like our Alice because about 50% of the Funniest Things Your Kids Can’t Say have to do with swear words.  Yet, while I admit that reading about a toddler who insists that he ‘fucks’ his thumb is cute, it may not bring in the kind of audience we are looking for, so we tried to pick some of the less Risk-ay versions of the Funniest Things Your Kids Can’t say to share with you here.

So without further ado, here is the grand finale of our Funniest Things Trilogy: 

The Funniest Things YOUR Kids Can’t Say:

Alphabet – R.J from PE writes “Isn’t it bad enough that Elmo is now found everywhere from socks to lunch boxes? According to my son he now has a permanent place in the alphabet as well: A-B-C-D-E-F-G, H-I-J-K- ELMO-N-P.  Oh, well, it could be worse.  As long as Big Bird doesn’t start showing up where he doesn’t belong we will be ok.”  

Delicioso – S.W from BC writes “I don’t think Dora is doing a very good job of teaching kids Spanish.  For months I wondered what my daughter meant when she yelled out ‘Baby Wuffalo!” at dinnertime.   I finally realized what she was actually saying when she was watching Dora and yelled out “Baby Wuffalo” after Dora said ‘Delicioso’.  Not the same thing.  Not even close.”  

Accent – M.W from ON writes “I think my daughter must have lived in the southern United States in a past life.  Despite being born and raised in Canada, when she gets really worked up everything she says comes out in a southern accent.  For example, if her younger sister tries to take her toys she will grab the toy in question and yell out “Don’t evah tuch it” (Translation: don’t ever touch it).  I really hope she grows out of it soon – I really don’t want a teenage Scarlett O’Hara on my hands” 

Lady Ga Ga Lyrics – J.T from CA, USA writes “My daughter loves to sing and is always singing along to the radio.  Yet for some reason she always screws up on Lady Ga Ga’s Poker Face.  Instead of saying “Can’t read my Poker Face” she will say ‘ca-ree-ba Poke Her Face.’ Apparently this song is more violent than I realized.”  

Watch Out  –  L.B from NS writes “Let this be a lesson – if you don’t know what your child is saying, just duck.  When on vacation recently I was souvenir shopping at a little craft store with my young son.  We were walking through the store holding hands and I was pointing out various items to him when he started pulling my arm and yelling “Wha-ta, Wha-ta!”  I had no idea what he was saying until I took a few more steps and walked straight into a display of wind chimes that were hanging from the ceiling. After spending 10 minutes untangling myself from 6 different sets of wind chimes I will be happy  if I never hear another damn chime again.  And if anyone yells “Wha-ta” I will be on the floor faster than you can say ‘Watch Out.”  

Seat  - M.C from TX, USA writes:  “One day my son got so frustrated with me.  He kept asking for a “seeet” and I couldn’t figure out what he was requesting.  I tried asking if he meant a sheet, something to eat, you name it, I tried it.  But every guess just made him yell ‘NO” lounder, until finally he got fed up with me and screamed ‘No, something to SIT on!”  Next time I will ask for a definition up front and save us both the frustration.”   

Thanks again to everyone who contributed.  Damn, it is nice to write about the stupid stuff that other people’s kids do for once.  So despite the fact that this trilogy is over, feel free to write in anytime to escapefrommommyland@gmail.com with your crazy kid comments, if for no other reason than to stop us thinking that we are the only ones out there with kids who get stuck in the toilet and insist on shoving peas in their nostrils.  But maybe it would be best if you kept the thumb-fucking stories to yourself.

-Wendy & Alice