The One About the Chicken

Every small town girl has big city dreams.  Some involve bright lights and movie stars, stilettos and martini glasses, or even sky scrapers and subways.  However, I doubt that anyone’s big city dreams involve a chicken. 

Or a racoon, or a skunk.  These animals have no place in a city.  Rats?  Maybe.  Cockroaches?  Why not.  But a chicken?  Really?  Ok, not really.  But a racoon and a skunk?  Really.

Let me explain.  As you all should know by now, Edward and I recently moved to the ‘big city’ from the boonies.   Seriously.  We lived just north of nowhere, in the middle of dullsville.  When we wanted to get out and do something exciting we would - get ready for it – go for a walk.  Nothing ever happened.  Ever.  There were no buses or public transport of any kind, no buildings over 4 stories and, *gasp* no Starbucks.  How did we survive?  I’m not sure.  But amidst all the boredom, general blandness and blocks of time spent starring into space, not once did we encounter a chicken.  Or a racoon.  Or a skunk. 

So imagine our surprise when, upon purchasing a house in the ‘big city’ we come to realize that we have an animal of some sort living under our front porch.  After much debate, we decided that the creature was a skunk, a racoon or a chicken.  How did we come to this conclusion?  Well, Edward encountered (i.e. had the shit scared out of him by) a (supposed) skunk one night when he was taking out the garbage, but knowing Edward, I am not so sure it wasn’t just a stray cat that he saw, because, as far as I know, skunks don’t tend to rub up against peoples legs and meow.  Aside from this rather unreliable eyewitness account, the other evidence we had was the footprints we found at the scene of the crime.  These footprints showed that our creature had long fingers, which, combined with the recent vandalism enacted upon our garbage cans, led me to believe that it our critter was not in fact a skunk but actually a racoon.  

Yet despite this forensic evidence, Edward, like any good lawyer I suppose, would not admit defeat.  In the end, it came to down to me and Edward yelling back and forth like two kids in the school yard: 

Edward: “It’s a skunk.”

Wendy: “No –It’s a racoon.”

Edward: “It’s a skunk!”

Wendy: “It’s a racoon!”

Edward: “SKUNK!”

Wendy: “RACOON!”

Edward:  “NO!  IT’S A CHICKEN!!!!”

At which point we took a moment to just stare at each other and then we both lost it.  We burst out laughing and could do nothing but roll on the floor and wheeze incoherently for the next 15 minutes.  To this day simply thinking about Edward screaming out determinedly “ITS A CHICKEN!” makes me giggle in the grocery store, earning myself weird looks from the cashier who now thinks I find poultry amusing.   

Where did this chicken comment come from?  Well, the day of our fateful conversation, Edward had gone out and bought some chicken wire to use to catch our critter with, and as far as we can determine, he just happened to be thinking about that chicken wire during our conversation and had a Freudian slip.  Because in the end, we never did find out for sure what our creature was.   It could have been a weird skunk/racoon/chicken mix or simply a long fingered chipmunk for all we know.  Edward simply filled in the hole with concrete last Saturday when (we hope) the creature wasn’t inside of it.  But either way we have not seen any sign of the creature since.  So our skunk, racoon or chicken has relocated or they are now entombed under our front porch.  

Oh well, at least life in the city isn’t boring!

-Wendy

Wendy’s Wisdom: On Marriage...

Welcome back to Mommyland’s first, only, and best advice column!  After demystifying your cleaning conundrums I thought, considering the events of the past week (i.e. Alice’s marriage and Kim Kardashian’s  lack thereof), I would let you in on the secrets behind my years of wedded bliss. 

It’s simple really.  You need to have lots of sex.  Not the kind where you are pretending to enjoy yourself so he can finish up in time for you to catch the end of Grey’s Anatomy.   The other kind.  The kind where you look like you just finished the world’s hardest spinning class, complete with matted down hair and jelly legs.  Leg warmers and headbands are optional.  Oh, and I guess I should make sure to point out that said sex should with your spouse.  That’s pretty much it.

What’s that you say?  How does this advice help if my husband is a lazy sloth who can’t manage to get his own underwear into the hamper?  Well, I’m glad you asked.  While sex is great all on its own, for your marriage last longer than Kimmy’s, you need to know how to use it properly.  To give you an idea of how sex can be used to solve common marital woes, read on:

Your husband doesn’t help out around the house?  Welcome to the club!  Husband training is an important first step that begins right after the honeymoon and continues for the rest of your life.  The key?  Positive reinforcement.  In many ways, husbands are just like toddlers.  If you give them a little incentive for doing the right thing, they catch on in the end.  Soon you won’t even have to ask them to take out the trash – they will be running upstairs proudly proclaiming they took out the garbage, expecting their reward.  Then you say “Thank you Honey” give them a kiss and ask them to clean the bathroom.

Your husband wants sex all the time?  Big surprise.  I have heard this story time and time again.  The man is constantly pestering his woman to get busy when his woman is already busy.  How do you stop this vicious cycle?  Reverse it.  I’m serious!  For one week, give him what he has been begging for.  Every day, sometimes twice or more, dress up in your finest lingerie and get to work.  I promise you, by the end of the fourth day he will be the one saying “I’m kinda tired,” “I have a headache,” or, even better, “let’s just cuddle.”   

3.  Your kids are driving you both bonkers?  It happens to everyone.  Despite the fact that you love those little rug-rats more than life itself, sometimes the shrieking, thumping, smashing and screeching combined with the constant barrage of questions, demands and total lack of courtesy can turn supermom (or dad) into Oscar the Grouch.   When this happens, it is time to send for the babysitter and have some adult time where you can be reminded that you are a woman and not just a mother.  Just don’t forget to use protection, because that is kind of how you got into this mess in the first place. 

Yes, I know.  I am a marital super-genius and with my help divorce will now be eradicated.  Just remember:  ‘If he’s pushy, there’s no pussy;'   ‘Have some class – not in the ass;' and ‘When things are stormy, just get horny.’  

You’re Welcome

-Wendy 

Survivor, Mommyland: Celebrity Edition Part II

Last week before wedding madness descended on Mommyland we brought you the exclusive blog premier of the exciting new series Survivor Mommyland: Celebrity Edition.  This week we bring you the finale of this pseudo reality series.  Read on to find out who will outwit, outplay and outlast all the others in Celebrity Mommyland.  Oh, and just in case you missed the premier...

(Insert Jeff Probst voice over here saying:) PREVIOUSLY on Survivor:

Some modern mommies were stranded on an island together sans children.  Kate Gosselin was true to form and nagged herself right out of the game.  Alliances were formed and broken, Gwyneth’s mommy-superpowers were exposed, and Angie was exposed as a villain.  Some other B & C list celebrities were voted out due to their lack of star power and their excess of crazy.  Here is where the tribes stood at the close of our last episode:

Tsaerb Tribe:                   Anigav Tribe:
Heidi Klum                         Tina Fey
Katie Holmes                     Rosie O’Donnell
Gwyneth Paltrow                Madonna
Britney Spears                   JLo
Alison Sweeny

Day 20: Tree mail arrives at the camps and throws a shocking twist into the game.  The merge is not taking place yet.  There is to be one more challenge before the merge and the team that wins this challenge will be able to vote out a member from the other team instead of the other team voting out one of their own.  The ladies from both teams realize the importance of winning this challenge – they could completely destroy key alliances in the other tribe and leave it in chaos.

The challenge is the hardest one ever seen on survivor.  It involved climbing a mountain blindfolded with a baby in a snugli, swimming relays, solving puzzles and identifying different kinds of baby poops.  In the end, the challenge hinged on the fact that Tina Fey actually changed her own kid’s diapers – Tsaerb had a huge lead until the final poop identification station where Katie froze and exclaimed “It all looks the same!”  Despite her teammates desperately trying to help, Tina managed to whiz through the poop and get Anigav a victory that they desperately needed.  After that, Anigav required very little debate to decide that it was time for Gwyneth to go.

The next day the tribes were treated to a picnic lunch at a waterfall to celebrate the merge.  Without Gwyn, Katie and Heidi were scrambling to try and secure votes from the other team.  Unbeknownst to them though, Alison had already been wooed by Tina and, knowing she was on the chopping block in her own tribe, agreed to vote with the former Anigav’s to take out Britney (due to the fact that she had long since lost her underwear and the other ladies were annoyed with her going commando all the time).   At the end of the picnic the ladies decided to name their new tribe Sinepon.

The first individual immunity challenge was easily won by Madonna after she managed to keep her cool while being screamed at by random children for more than 12 hours.  Rosie freaked out first, closely followed by JLo, who had to be restrained by security after only 20 minutes.  Needless to say, that night, as planned Britney went bye-bye, becoming the first member of the jury. 

The next week things did not go so smoothly for the former Anigav’s.  Heidi and Katie managed to lure Alison back to their side with promises to take her to final three since Gwyn was now gone.   And when Katie won the kids movie trivia challenge they were able to convince Madonna to vote with them to vote out JLo who had been getting on Madge’s nerves with her outspoken ways and her tendency to frequently remind everyone that she was recently voted the most beautiful woman in the world.  So that night JLo took her final bow. 

With only six contestants remaining the tribe was shocked when it was revealed at the next challenge that two tribe members would be going home that day – the member who gets disqualified first in the challenge as well as the member voted out by the tribe that evening.  The challenge involved improvising ladders from random furniture (i.e. stools, chairs, tables) in order to reach a toy on top of high shelf.  All ladies must build a structure to stand on and the one who stays up longest would win.  Whoever fell first would go home. 

Due to an unbalanced stool, Rosie tumbled first while attempting to climb her structure, sending her packing.  When Madonna again claimed the immunity idol due to her kick-ass yoga and meditation skills she and Tina immediately started scheming.  With Rosie gone, the three original Tsaerb tribe members could easily decimate the remaining Anigav once and for all.  But using their combined star power, witty repartee and some good old fashioned persuading, Tina and Madonna managed to convince Katie that she would stand a better chance at winning in the final against them than against her former team mates due to the alliances of the people in the jury.  In the end, Katie secretly votes with them to get Alison off, while the other two voted for Tina expecting Katie to vote with them.  In this blindside, Alison ended up being the biggest loser.

The final four spent a luxurious day at the spa to celebrate day 30 before their final immunity challenge the next morning. Knowing that if she didn’t win immunity she would be gone, Heidi pushed through the pain to come out the winner of the up-and-down-the-stairs-with-heavy-laundry-and-kids challenge.   This left everyone jockeying for positions with Heidi.  Katie was able to worm her way back into her good graces despite her recent defection due to the time they had spent together and the original pact and together they decided to vote out Madonna due to her awesome performance in challenges that they thought would give her an edge in the final vote.  Easily convincing Tina to come on side, Madge was voted out. 

In the end, the jury of Madonna, Alison, Rosie, JLo and Britney stayed true to their roots, each voting for a member of their original tribe, thereby electing Tina Fey as the winner of Survivor Mommyland: Celebrity Edition.

The tribe has spoken.  Peace out!

-Wendy