Since CSI Mommyland ended up being so entertaining I began to wonder what other shows could benefit from a change of locale. The one that immediately came to mind was the reality show that started reality shows, Survivor. What would it be like if, instead of dropping random people on a deserted island for 31 days, the producers put a group of Moms alone on an island for 31 days? Better yet, let’s make it Celebrity moms! Ok, Shut up. It’s been a slow week and I have been watching way too much TV, so just go with it. Anyway, here is what I imagine Survivor: Mommyland – Celebrity Edition to be like...
(Insert Jeff Probst Voice Over Here) 39 Days, 16 Celebrity Mommies, ONE... Survivor!)
Tsaerb Tribe Anigav Tribe
Octomom Kelly Ripa
Gwyneth Tina fey
Nicole Riche Madonna
Kate Hudson Kate Gosselin
Heidi Klum Angelina Jolie
Katie holmes Jennifer Lopez
Britney Spears Jenny McCarthy
Alison Sweeny Rosie O’Donnell
Day One: The mom’s arrive and are overjoyed at this chance to escape from Mommyland, win money for their charity and be named the ultimate mommy survivor. Many view it as a vacation instead of a game of survival. “No diapers, soccer practise, screaming children, or 2am feedings for 31 days, while tanning on a beach – yeah, I can handle that. Seriously, we have the easy part – you should really go film our husbands trying to survive without us.”
But this cheery outlook soon darkens, at least for the Anigav Tribe. Kate Gosselin quickly takes over, dictating how to build the shelter and criticising everyone constantly. Kelly, Tina and Rosie quickly form an alliance, with Rosie promising to bring in Madonna as their fourth, while Angie, Jen and Jen are too busy sun-bathing to worry about strategy.
At the Tsaerb Tribe, Nicole Riche is upset when she breaks a stiletto during their hike to camp. Gwyneth quickly organizes the tribes efforts to build shelter, goes hunting, finds fresh water, starts a fire and has a gourmet meal ready by the time the tribe has finished building their three-story tree house shelter. That evening on a supposed bathroom break, Gwyneth also manages to use her super-mommy powers to find a hidden immunity idol in the pitch dark – “After years of going on evening hunts for my kids blankies, it was a sinch.” After the tribe has gone to sleep, she wakes Katie and Heidi, show them the idol and form a secret alliance of three to take to the end.
The next day at the first immunity challenge, the Tsaerb tribe won immunity after wrangling, dressing and transporting 8 kids from a local tribe to soccer practise. Although Anigav quickly copied Tsaerb’s strategy of having 4 moms wrangle 2 kids each and the other four working on car seat installation, Anigav descended into chaos when Angie smacked Kate upside the head for criticising her car seat technique. Needless to say, at tribal council the vote was unanimous and Kate Gosselin got dumped once again.
After getting rid of their most antagonistic member, Anigav came back stronger than ever and won the next challenge. After much debate the Tsaerb tribe sent home Nicole Riche over Octomom because Nicole had been having breakdowns about how this experience brought back too many bad memories of her time on The Simple Life, and although many members liked her more than Octomom, the fact that Octomom was able to provide them with a steady supply of milk gave them an edge in challenges.
Tsaerb then got their mojo back while a rift began to form in Anigav. Jen, Jen and Angie were getting annoyed with Rosie’s sometimes outspoken nature, but soon came to realize that they did not have the support to vote her out. This sent Angie into full-on villain mode, where she set in motion a plan to make Rosie look bad in the other’s eyes. She stole extra rations at night and left crumbs by Rosie’s bed, stated vicious rumors and even went so far as to sabotage her in their duck-duck-goose challenge. This caused Anigav to lose the next 2 challenges where Jenny McCarthy and eventually Angie herself went home when her shenanigans were exposed.
After losing an exhausting challenge where the ladies had to see who could hold the most bags of groceries for the longest, Tsaerb lost their momentum and finally succumbed to Anigav. This couldn’t have happened at a better time for Anigav as this week the losing team had to vote out two members. With a merge looming, Gwyn was able to convince her team to finally vote out their milk supply, as well as the strongest competitor, Kate Hudson.
To the disappointment of Anigav, the merge did not happen yet. They were forced to compete in one final immunity challenge involving building snow forts (with snow flown in from the Antarctic) and eliminating the members of the other tribes by hitting them with snowballs. Anigav lost despite their advantage from Rosie and Madonna’s skills from A League of Their Own due to Kelly being injured after taking a snowball to the eye.
Back at camp after the challenge, JLo convinces Tina, Rosie and Madonna to vote out Kelly next due to her injury. In return, she promises to back them in the upcoming merge. Despite last minute scrambling on the part of Kelly, and assurances that she can still compete with an eye patch, the tribe sent her packing.
After pulling of an amazing come from behind win at the challenge and receiving a reward of spending a day with their kids, the Tsaerb tribe was feeling great. Gwyn reassured her group that despite being close in numbers for the merge, she was sure they could pull ahead because she believed she could swing her good friend Madge over to their side. Feeling very confident, they headed to what they were sure was a merge.
Was the merge really around the corner? If so would Gwyn be able to get Madge on side? Or is Anigav stronger than they seem? Find out in the finale of Survivor: Mommyland, Celebrity Edition, next Wednesday in Mommyland.