Friday, 14 October 2011

Does Anybody Have a Delorean I Can Borrow?

Where are Michael J. Fox and Christopher Lloyd when I need them?  I don’t know what has been going on lately, whether someone has been messing with Daylight Savings Time again or if the world has just started rotating faster, but I can no longer find time.  For anything.  From exercising to brushing my hair, everything that is non-essential (and lots of things at are essential, like pooping) no longer fit in my schedule.  Unless someone can hook me up with a time machine fast, I am worried that the next thing to get trimmed from my schedule will be putting on pants.  And that would really suck because of all the time I would have to waste explaining to the police what I was doing at Wal-mart in my skivvies. 
 I thought, as moms, we were supposed to have more time on our hands as our kids got older, not less.   Last month when Prince started preschool I naively assumed that I would have 4 hours, 3 days a week to spend writing posts, cleaning toilets, and finally unpacking the last of the boxes from our move last year.  But no.  What with the 14 minute drive each way to his school, the time it takes to get Prince dressed, packed and otherwise presentable, and the fact that Simba is going through a rebellious napping phase, I figure that I have actually lost 2 hours of time from my schedule. (Note:  naptime is supposed to take place while Prince is at preschool - I thought I was a mommy-genius for this scheduling manoeuvre ... but once again my plans have been foiled by pint-sized procrastinators).
As a last ditch effort before petitioning the United Nations to insert more hours into the day, I have closely examined my schedule to try and pinpoint areas in which I can save time.  Here is what I have come up with:
1.  I will no longer wait in traffic.  Last week when I went to Alice’s wedding castle (yeah, she was telling the truth people – it is pretty awesome) it took me 40 minutes to go 5 city blocks.  There was no accident, Robert Pattinson was not in town, and, miracle of miracles, there was no construction.  There were just way to many effing people trying to get the hell out of the city at 4pm on a Tuesday.  I refuse to waste my time thusly anymore.  From now on, when confronted with traffic I shall affix one of those magnetic sirens to my roof (which I plan to acquire through Kijiji), bust out a megaphone (which I plan to acquire likewise) and have Simba scream into it until people drive up on the sidewalk to let us pass so they no longer have to listen to the racket that I am forced to listen to when stuck in traffic for 40 minutes with a screaming 18 month old.  
2.  Cooking meals.  Why in the world have I been spending hours preparing meals for my family to have said meal either thrown on the floor or inhaled without chewing?  If that is how the fruit of my labours is going to be treated than screw simmering, mashing, roasting or any other of those other labour and time intensive cooking methods – frozen pizza it is!  My family will never even notice the difference.  Let’s face it – they would probably consider it an improvement – my cooking really sucks even when I do spend time on it.  Julia Child I am not.  Damn it, I ain’t even Ronald McDonald.
3.   I will no longer wait at the doctor’s office or in checkout lines.  I have had an epiphany.  All those hours I have spent desperately trying to amuse my children while waiting for a multitude of ridiculous things has been in vain.  After a recent doctor’s visit when I simply did not have the energy to stop my children from screaming, wrestling and basically making the other people waiting seriously consider sterilization, I found out that if I let my children run wild, people are much more willing to let us go first just to get us the hell out of there.   Now I take my kids to the doctor’s even when I don’t have to – apparently someone needs to let the government know about this method of shortening wait times.  
4.  Cleaning.  No matter how much I clean, the next day (or, more often, the next hour) it’s dirty again.  This goes for all kinds of ‘it’s’ – clothing, floors, dishes, toilets etc...  I figure, since we are not even unpacked yet from the last move, we will just use this house till it gets too dirty and then move again.  In the long run, this will probably be less work than cleaning 14 (thousand) times a day.
If this plan succeeds, I will finally be able to catch up on my backlog of laundry and PVR’d Ellen’s.  However, like so many economic stimulus packages, while this may look good on paper, in actuality it will probably result in legal troubles and a lot of little people going hungry.   Therefore, if anyone has a Delorean at their disposal, I beg you, let me borrow it.  I promise I won’t mess with the Space Time Continuum – ok, I may make a quick detour with Alice to find a teenage Tina Fey in order to befriend her and have her cast one of us instead of Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls.  But other than that, I promise only to use its powers for good.  Meaning I will use it to make sure that I bathe on a regular basis and remember to wear pants.  Not that a Hoverboard wouldn’t come in handy though...

Author's Note:  If you do not understand my blatent references to Back to the Future you are either not old enough to have children (and hence be reading this blog) or were in a coma for the majority of the 80's. Either way, go watch the trilogy - if nothing else, it will give you a (fairly accurate) idea of what the world will be like in 3.5 more years.  Personally, I am looking forward to the self-drying clothing... it will save on laundry, you know.

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