Friday, 28 October 2011

Who Needs Hallmark?

As you should all know by now, our Alice is getting hitched tomorrow.  I have therefore spent the last week  babysitting thumper and stressing out over finding the perfect wedding present for the perfect blog partner.  I believe I have finally accomplished that feat.  As part of my perfect present, I wrote Alice the follwing in lieu of a mass produced greeting card and thought I would share it with our extended Mommyland family this week in honor of our Bride-to-be.  So pour a glass of wine and hold it high as we all share a gulp to celebrate Alice becoming an honest women:)

Dear Alice:
Screw Hallmark.  I refuse to pay ten bucks for some Alice- or-Wendy-wannabe to spew bullshit about how love blooms eternal, just for said card and all my witty hand-written comments to end up under some used condoms in the trash can.  So instead I invested my ten bucks in Mommyland by purchasing this journal for you to use to record all those angry Alice rants that we love so much and, I hope you don’t mind, I have borrowed these last few pages to record my wedding wishes for you.  
That being said, before I get to the wishes I would like to take a minute to explain my choice of wedding gift.  I have come to realize that wedding gifts are not like other gifts.  While you may quickly forget about/hide/re-gift that Snuggie you got for Christmas, the green and orange veggie dip tray that you get for your wedding will haunt you for the rest of your days.  It is simply impossible (for me anyway) to get rid of anything that I got as a wedding present.  Not only do relatives and friends expect to see the trinkets they bestowed upon you proudly displayed when they visit, but I have developed this weird sentimental attachment to the stuff.  It’s as if somehow I believe that keeping that four-foot fairy statue is essential to my continued wedded bliss.  Go figure.
Anyway, this is why I have spent so much time debating what to get you.  At first I was going to get you a toaster because that is the chronically cheesy wedding gift and I thought you would appreciate your blog partner, who is not at all cheesy (insert sarcasm here), getting you the classic wedding appliance.  But then I thought no, I don’t want Alice and Dawson associating me with burnt toast and, by association cheesy, yet informative Canadian Heritage Minutes. 
Next I considered a dirt devil, since I know, as a fellow mom, how convenient and necessary these things are, but I didn’t want you to think I was subtly trying to tell you that your house was dirty.  And I really didn’t want you nicknaming my children after that appliance (appropriate as that may be considering that, if I had got it for you, you would have had to whip it out after every time we visited).
So I continued my search.  I wanted something that wouldn’t become obsolete, or shoved on some dusty shelf to be forgotten about until the day Thumper (or more likely Prince) threw a basketball at said shelf, scaring one of the nine lives out of your cat and forcing you to wear shoes in your house for the next three months in order to avoid getting tetanus shots.   So in the end I settled on a punch bowl.  I figured anything made for using with alcohol wouldn’t have much time to gather dust at your place (if only because I will force you to use it at our blog meetings).  Plus – bonus- I thought this particular punch bowl resembled a fishbowl enough for you or your friends to use during, as well as after a big night of partying.  Or you could always just buy Thumper some goldfish.  Whatever.
My point is, during the millions of days of wedded bliss that I am sure you and Dawson will have, you can use this punch bowl/fishbowl to celebrate big movie premiers, getting published somewhere besides on our blog, and golden anniversaries.  And when you do, maybe you will spare a moment to think about that crazy blog partner you had once-upon-a-time who never did figure out how to use commas correctly.  But don’t worry, if you forget I will most likely remind you via a sharp kick under the table and a raised eyebrow.  Then we will both raise our glasses in a silent salute to the best wedding present ever. 
But right now I would like to thank you.  Not only for including me in this amazing day, but for taking the time to answer a poorly written ad on Kijiji, and then actually agreeing to pursue my crazy suggestion that we do a blog together.  You have taught me so much about writing, Mommyland, and Mommyship that I feel as if a punch bowl is a very insufficient way to show you how grateful I am.  So I got you the journal too.  But seriously, I can’t tell you how much having a girlfriend nearby has meant to me. 
So do I wish that you and Dawson have a life of full of happiness, live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live?  Hells to the yeah.  Do I wish that, as you slide down the banister of life the splinters never point the wrong way?  Damn straight.  Am I going to babysit when you need to keep the home fires burnin’ with some afternoon nookie?  Maybe, if you ask nicely and return the favour.
Bottom line:  Enjoy your day Alice, and every day that follows.  May you always find patience in your belly button, love in your heart and Dawson in ‘the mood.’
Suck that Hallmark!

Editors note:  As I was writing this post, Alice texts and asks me if I have a punch bowl she could borrow.  Seriously – am I good, or am I good?

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